Trix :D

moved again! (:

2011-04-20T01:18:00.002+08:00

Because i was inspired by BimboC! (:
I think i should stop being lame and have 2 blogspots. I'll move to... i like it better.
toodles~

dear bimbo

2011-04-19T18:12:00.001+08:00

I think this is very apt. This is on my backdrop, to remind me that every single breath i draw, i will make it a point to breathe happiness.
Dear Bimbo, growing up is f* difficult. No one said it was easy, if it were, neverland would have been reality. I can see how jaded the life-transforming events have left you be, but do not fear. In the midst of the scary reality, there really are people whom you still can trust.
People with a genuine heart and no motive. People who like you because they just do, because you are you.

I know nothing can encourage you, but do know we are here to walk along with you. We will take our time together, enjoy the rubbish scenary along the way. We will dance in the rain together. We will love you together ♥

really bad hope =

2011-04-19T00:47:00.000+08:00

And what was i thinking. Stupid girl.
People who never expect, never get disappointed.

I'm angry i did.

Optimism.

2011-04-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

Hell to the yeah.

Life just threw me a ton of lemons, i haven't figured out what to do with them yet.
They don't look pretty. They're yellow :(
Maybe i'll squeeze them for fun. I need loads of them.
Look, lemons came in handy! Optimism ftw.

belief.

2011-04-16T15:08:00.000+08:00

I think faith is a really powerful thing.
Not in the most religious sense but rather my personal belief that God actually has a plan for each and every one of us. I'm not a Christian, the irony of it all is that i am a free thinker. But this is something that i've grown to believe over the years.

Maybe its a form of escape, but it really works for me. I really like how i have a reason to things that don't go my way. A solace.

I feel like i am never adequate, or i can never pursue my passion the way i had always wanted to. I was never really given a chance to be professional in my passion. Upset :( Its like i am never meant for something great.

This is the time where i say, its probably not in His plan for me to excel in this area. I'm really curious of what is planned for me though. I really hope its not something ordinary, cos i've always imagined myself as someone doing something bigger than ordinary.

At Starbucks with my 215 groupies now (: Really love the ambience here. And the coffee and the music wheetwheet ♥ Somehow i wish BB and i were more interesting :/ Like we haven't had stress free fun dates for tooooooooo long.

I've become a boring person. I haven't had gone out with a I-just-want-to-throw-my-life-away mentality ever since my quest for betterment. Like serious 一个。
So in a way i am saying, better people are boring people?
Not happy eh.

like, crazy.

2011-04-15T02:49:00.000+08:00

I miss you. I really do. Maybe thats why i am all cranky. I wish you knew.

But whenever i can't solve an issue, i will choose to escape. Sometimes, maybe. I will pretend it never happened tho it always boomerangs. Sometimes i act too tough for my own good. I try not to cry over lil matters, i try to put on a smile even though its hurting like mad inside. Just because i don't want things to change. Just because i want you to see how strong i am - and think that i am fine. I will assure you repeatedly that i'm tougher than that. But you don't know how i'm actually bleeding inside. And that is good, because i believe that i will eventually match up to the image that i've left you with.

One day, i will be strong and independent and capable like the girl i make you think i am (:

I am getting more creative. It may be a bad thing, but at least it helps me ease the emotional pain for now. Its like the only thing keeping me afloat - a reminder that i'm still human and alive.

like, alone.

2011-04-15T01:11:00.000+08:00

everytime stay in hall when i am not supposed to, sure emo.
I hate it! :( I don't hate hall but i hate how i'm feeling.
I'm surrounded by people but i just feel so lonely.

I don't even wanna do my work. I just want to snuggle up in bed and pat myself to sleep :'( But i can't do that because a roomie exists. Of course i love her, except when i need to be alone, i just really want to exist in solitary. I think i'm the most anti-social creature ever.

Don't even know why i'm plunged in this inconsolable bad mood right now. Hate feeling lonely like this.
-----------------------------------
That is really retarded, but i'm a lot better now (:
Suddenly i think like we are qualified camwhores -.- everytime we go out we'll have enough pictures to fill an entire fb album (and that is after filtering). Mostly of me. So it kinda looks like i am the only camwhore. But thats a lie. I'm really really not the only one. But its just fun (':
Fond memories.

survivors

2011-04-14T11:46:00.000+08:00

If we are breathing right now, we are all survivors of our own story.
We may still be struggling, but we can't deny that we've come thus far.
Even when you feel like giving up or feel like you're pushed to the brink - be brave and look back, see how far you've waddled.

I'm glad I got to see them. In a way its comforting, a physical assurance that things are still okay. But it was emotional for me. It kind of struck me that behind every seemingly normal girl has a set of heavy burdens, big troubles. Its whether you know it or not.
For a moment, okay a very long moment, i was very thankful that they were there to share theirs and i could share mine with them. Though we might not understand exactly, its always a great feeling to know that someone else is there to support you all the while, watch your tears and tell you its ok to cry and be there to help you up. Suddenly you don't feel that much of the loneliness ♥ Love, for life. I found ya'll.

unexciting truth

2011-04-13T14:08:00.000+08:00

It kind of sucks when you see beautiful people and are constantly reminded of your inadequacies.
In my case, its the countless flaws that i discover of myself everyday.
Can you already picture how excited i am to wake up everyday? No.
I don't think so, cos i am not at all :( wake up sadface only.

I can only find other things to make me feel better about myself. Things like... actually i don't know. I never could find something to feel good about. But don't get me wrong, its on a different scale altogether from being happy and/or fortunate that i'm alive and is clothed and well fed. Different. I'm just talking about good traits about oneself that you can accentuate to feel good about your existence.

None. I want to weep.
But before all of that, i should take a short nap and then do my work :'( So much to clear! I'd hate to pull another all-nighter tonight because that drives me crazy.

On a sidenote, i am so glad to be able to finally meet the girls (: I'm super duper excited!

MOVED!

2011-04-13T04:10:00.001+08:00

I have moved here!
Relink me and drop me a fb msg/sms so i can relink you back (:

i remember

2011-04-13T03:35:00.000+08:00

The reason why i love hall.
Because of the company, the friends that i've found ♥

And someone who made me this:

It was a really sweet gesture which i still keep and remember till now (:

Had a short supper with the folks, it was great cos i was really craving for milo beng YAY!
Felt like, perhaps i should just hang onto whoever there's left in my life instead of clamoring and worrying and wishing for new ones. The people in my life are enough to last me a lifetime.

I just suddenly miss sarah a lot because she's the girl who'd be spontaneous with me, doing the craziest shittiest thing together even if its to sit in longkang or cycle in the rain. I wanna hang with her again soon :( Come back from Berkeley! Or i'd go look for her on my grad trip (: YAY, party everyday, live my american dream.

Bought makeover coupons for XY and Chanel! My dearest bimbos. Their lives have been hectic, and we've all felt depressed for awhile. So i thought of something spontaneous and exciting to cheer you all up! But you girls are always so busy :( Arrange a day when you're free then lemme know when ba. Don't feel like bothering you guys or pressuring you guys into choosing a date tho i'd love to go soon (: Miss you girls a lot, really. JIAYOU HANG IN THERE! We get killed over and over again, we I slash my wrist and attempt suicide but at the end of the day, i'm still alive, I still survive. It all takes one single person to be there to support you and no matter how un-alright the days go, you'll somehow survive.
Lucky for us! There's not just 1, but 2 other bimbos waddling in some kind of shit. We're in this junk together. hugs*

Siansation. Don't wanna go for class tomorrow :( Just wanna stay in and complete my work. What say me?

Makeover.

2011-04-12T16:08:00.000+08:00

I feel like going for the makeover thingy! :D Its the coupon thing for $28.
I wanna bring Bimbo C along to cheer her up!
Feel so useless and helpless as a friend. I wish their lives would be better :(

a quote

2011-04-12T01:41:00.000+08:00

that spoke me better than my story.

I'm letting you go not because I don't love you any longer, its just that I'm so tired of all the pain every time I am with you.

depression.

2011-04-11T23:08:00.000+08:00

Dya see how naturally happy i look right here!

Even when i try to look emo, i'm still candidly happy.

Something i've lost along the way ever since i have started on becoming "better" i.e. becoming serious, becoming more responsible, becoming dedicated to uh independence?

The dilemma henceforth is shall i find it back? Or shall i just leave be.
I'm so depressed now. Nobody is in the room :'(
I'm so depressed now. I wish i were doing something fun.
I'm so depressed now. My wishlist just got longer whyyyy :(
I'm so depressed now. I wish someone would talk to me.

Okay, may this depression go away soon. I need to find something to cheer me up.

to do list

2011-04-11T21:02:00.000+08:00

mostly random. Do i care? Nah-ah (:

-Decide on what to do with my blog
-Revisit my wishlist/placelist
-Arrange my pinboard
-Look at Wunderman stuff
-Submit resume for Maldives ♥ I really hope i get this one!
-IMC Campaign
-Memo?

Basically i want to procrastinate as long as i can. I'm not depressed, just a little cheerless. Literally too.

stars you picked

2011-04-10T23:08:00.000+08:00

Looking at my wishlist/placelist, i am kind of sad because its been there for awhile. Kind of stagnant, somehow i just don't have the means to clear them - be it time, riches or company.

Still, looking back, i gotta thank 大白痴 for clearing most of the list for me, ever since i drafted them. Till now its pretty stagnant haha. I was reminded of TWG again during project meeting this morning, so wanna go~~

And there's so many things i actually need to save up for. Things that aren't a want but like, a need. I want the VS #2 perfume that i chanced upon many months back. Its most opportune to purchase now considering how my Dior is running superrrr low, no more already :(
My new obsession with accessories like rings and necklaces is kind of depleting my pool of disposable income. I'm so poor i might have to start living on the plants and grass across my hall.

BIG SIGH. I think i must be quite materialistic. But these things make me happy.
Making purchases like going on a shopping spree will make me like super happy for a week. Trying out something new somewhere fun also puts a hugeeee grin on my face.

NO TIME NO MONEY NO COMPANY. Haiz. My high society also like gone until dunno where. NEVER MIND. SAVE UP TRICIA. ONE DAY YOU CAN SLOWLY ENJOY LIFE!
yeah, bluff myself only. where got.

/pessimism/

oh yay.

2011-04-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

Commemorating a week of independence (y)

I like where my life direction is headed to now. Its great, in a way. Though sometimes there are emotional lapses - like i feel empty or the sudden urge to go back to who i used to be. I slap myself (not literally cos that'd mean i must have suffered a mega blow) to wake up my idea.
No turning back once i'm on this track.

For one, i think i am spending a lot more time away from him. Like only when i have time on my hands or when something has been arranged. Other than that we are mostly living our own lives. Independence ftw.

Then again i look at my schedule this week: Not cool. I basically have a ton of assignments and reports due (yes, again). My day is packed full, like i don't even think there's time to slot in quick bites. And the most uncool part of it all? I am not even exaggerating! I'm this busy. Why ah NBS why?

I'm not even looking forward to next weekend because i have project meetings all day long, like very long from 2pm - midnight long. fml much >:( angsty already. But ok, for good grades.

So i guess the whole thing about feeling good stems from the fact that i have, and will be living independently and responsibly :D hosehhh! I am responsible for my studies and i like it. I feel quite studious. And i have been putting aside time for my friends as well!

Some pretty cool stone again (: I have a thing for stones! And how pretty and colorful this is! It sits so nicely beneath the pale moonlight.

May this continue for a bit~ ♥

Angry at self

2011-04-09T15:15:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you make me really really really* hate myself. So much. I'm so angry with myself I don't even know what I can do to me just to make me feel better.
I just can't be who I want to be for you, the understanding independent girl whom you'd love better.
I don't wanna be emo but I just feel like crap. Crap because of the inadequacy once again.

Can I not be myself?
If I can't, can I not be somebody else?

No.

the best people

2011-04-08T12:03:00.000+08:00

Let me share with you the irony of life:

The one who hurt you the most,
often end up being the one who changed you around for the better.

Why so?
My ex is an example. Perfect example.

He was my first boyfriend and the one whom i thought i could spend my entire life with, after having spent like close to 3 years with him. But we broke up. We did not happen.

So i was filled with pretty much a lot of angst (from all the hurt) and fell into depression. But i got up stronger. Now i'm blissful with the bona fide love of my life ♥

Its like liberation. Liberation from the chains that have been holding me back.

I used to still care a lot about how he's doing even tho he did really mean stuff like delete me off fb etc. And thats like the most minor. His gf made him do all the stuff which i don't even wanna mention here cos its so shameful. I'm ashamed that this species of human exist.

So now, i don't really care anymore. Instead of a one-sided friendship, i'll declare war (ok this is perhaps also one-sided). I strive to be better than him in all aspect.

His ten thousand, will be my first million $.
His HDB, will be my self-earned luxury.

This could be a rare streak of my inner competitive self. I'm not usually like that, its only because he irk me into this. And i think its good. I just wanna know leaving him is the best choice i've ever made. I just wanna tell myself that i can be better off without him. Self-comfort?
Works pretty well for me! (:

I will balance my life with my own hands.

I am gonna the best girlfriend, best daughter, best girl friend for the people who truly matter to me. Right here in my life. The rest, buang!

The other bimbo: I don't have much to say right here. But i have so much to tell you! I know you have a lot to tell me too. Just wanna let you know i miss you (: I miss HTHTs with you, miss the bimbo and girl talks with you and BimboC! Whatever happens, we will be right behind you supporting you, beside you to walk with you, in front of you to whack karate-chop all the bad people. I mean it ok? I promise you. Hang in there! If not for yourself, for others - the people who matter. Meet up soon? ♥

cuddle my angry bunny

2011-04-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

This is for my BB!
I don't know if he knows this blog yet but here's one for him.

Spent the night studying with him at reading room @N2! I basically wasted my time not doing school work >.< But he studied really hard! I am super proud of him cos he's really focused and he's really 帅 when he's serious ♥ swept my heart away.

I was genuinely touched and surprised at what he did, for me. Just to make me feel special. He's starting to make me fall for him! Which is a good thing, since i have already chosen to be with him. I love you BB!

I really appreciate what he did (: It kepy my day cheery and this warm fuzzly sweet feeling in me throughout, like a silly teenager first in love haha!

I would want to show him that i am the right choice for him, that i am his one and only (:
Because i will swear to love him with all my life, for the rest of my life.

D:

2011-04-06T02:39:00.000+08:00

Just typed like the longest LJ entry thus far. Made it private because its just a boring documentation of my life. And what inspired this change - which upon interest, i will gladly share.

I'll let him read it after his quizzes. I kind of hope he will understand. But i am not putting too much hope into it.

So darn tired.

Of brand new beginnings (:

2011-04-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

FIRST POST EVER!

I'm going to start this with a really long entry. Just a sort of reminder to myself why i started out with this. But the true reason underneath is extremely sensitive. And quite private. So i reckon i probably shouldn't rant on in here. I'll get it somewhere.

I know my memory, it always fails me. Except when it comes to life-changing events (or hurtful ones, whichever) my memory will forever haunt me. And i will forever not hold my peace.

Therefore, i won't start this on such a cheerless note (:
Smiley. There.

I don't quite know what to blog about. Somehow i seem to have lost the enthusiasm for blogging cos i refuse to leave my old blog :'( I'm such an old hag.
Maybe one day when i'm sick of this, i'll return to where i started off.

Yea, I said goodbye.

2011-04-03T10:45:00.002+08:00

My email address is didyousaysomething@gmail.
Today, I'm changing it and starting anew. I'll lock this blog and move on to a new one (:

Maybe you're wondering what sparked the change. I say something really major.
Along with my blog will go my past. I'm starting my life again.

Dear friends, I'll drop you a text to be relinked! See you all in new light ♥

grinnnnn for me!

2011-03-31T23:28:00.003+08:00

Had quiz today, went to the wrong venue and WONDERED why no one turned up -.- Luckily i discovered the right venue in time. Quiz was unexpectedly good, for the fact that i didn't have formula sheet, didn't have references and didn't have the most impt calculator! D: But i still managed to complete the quiz with decent marks ;) HENGGGG~

BB picked me up, we went to run some errands while i waited on the car. We caught Hop!

I like the story, its kind of funny. The dumb chick is really annoying, its like stupid. But i thought the bunnie was kinda cute (: I like how it was brave enough to pursue its dreams of being a drummer but had a heart to turn back to its responsibilities. Relevant.

We walked across the boardwalk, me hoping to find something amusing across the river but nothing :( much to my disappointment. Trudged back and we checked out the new outdoor hawker outside St. James! Its open 6pm - 6am daily (: Expensive tho!

Hmm then now i'm home early and decided to analyse MarkStrat and do a bit of studying before i hit the pillow. Tomorrow's a packed day! From Interview to Sinful Indulgence with MeiQ to frog leg porridge! omnomnomnom :3

WE DID WELL FOR MARKSTRAT zomgwtfbbq! I'm so darn happy!! We got the same budget as firm E and hell yeah! We are gonna bring you down, DOWN DOWN DOWN! >:)
Can't wait to discuss markstrat again wahh exciting much, the anticipation killed me while i was out!

Anyway, i said like i was looking forward to a date with nothing on my mind.
I take that back.
I was quite bugged by the fact that he had stuff to do so i didn't wanna waste much time out :( I was also quite bugged by many other stuff. SIGH.

Since when have i become such a bore, like going out isn't fun anymore. It felt more like a social obligation than a source of enjoyment.
Looking back, it was kinda fun the stuff we did? Watch movie eat dinner (ok la, ordinary. but more fun than my daily mill). But it just didn't feel as enjoyable as i thought it should.

OH WELL.
New day tmr (:

one hour to end of $#%& week!

2011-03-31T13:36:00.006+08:00

Waiting for my stupid quiz in one hour time, waste of my precious time loitering in school because class ended at 1230pm! But anyway i LOVE class today. Participated quite actively hiakhiak >:) Our team won again! Seriously we rock.

BB is busy with his assessment thingy so he'll come by later to pick me up! Yay to going out! Haven't gone out in forever, like date date because we have both been really busy. Its my first official week without trainings (and i am not quite used to it, tho i appreciate the free nights much). But i have to use the free time to catch up with assignments and projects rawrrr.

And BB on the other hand is busy with his quiz. So we barely had time for each other, at least not with nothing on our minds. I can safely declare that the last time we went on a date with no pressing issue on my mind, was. GOD DAMMIT I DON'T EVEN RECALL! fml. That shows how preoccupied i've been.

But yay. At least the major assignments are done this week and yes, i have a ton of other stuff to do like, study and catch up with interviews etc. I promise myself, just for this afternoon, i will clear my mind of worries and just relax. I need it big time.

Yay! Looking forward to end of quiz and meeting him wheeyawheee! (:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SO MANY NEW THINGS I WANNA JOIN :D

- Acrobatics Class :p Its quite crazy but i like how they will teach you how to strengthen the core muscles necessary for balancing. I like to improve my body awareness.
- Grrrl hiphop 1! I think its cool, though its probably like the 3rd time i am taking it. Its good workout!
- Exotic ;) I wanna continue hahaha!
- Pole! Something new (: I always thought it was quite intimidating cos like we need a lot of muscles to hang in there but why not give it a try!
- Adult gymnastics :D I wanna learn a various of gym stunts! Then maybe can apply to cheerleading too!

I miss cheer. A lot. I want to stunt :( But stunting is like team activity. You can't do it alone :/ Even partner stunts! You need spotters etc. cos we are not say very pro. I wish my bf were like a dedicated cheerleader who was crazy over stunting and would urge me to stunt with him HAHA. But cannot be greedy la, i cannot impose my passion on him ;p Later he ask me to play soccer with him i stun.

new avenue

2011-03-30T10:43:00.000+08:00

Slowly i'm gonna shift over, its so much better. Like a picture blog.

I like.

my day got better (:

2011-03-29T22:55:00.008+08:00

I think going to class is a great idea, it cheered me up immensely. I think i just need to be around the right people, be productive and involve myself in intellectual discussions.
Markstrat is really exciting but at the same time quite a lot of decisions to make :/ i am eagerly anticipating thursday's result!

Anyway. I am gonna stay up to complete this shitload of stuff tonight :'(
But its ok cos i'm happy again! Emotionally free of the chains tonight!

On a brighter note, XY babe got me something really cute and cheery!

I didn't get to meet her cos i was stuck in school till 9++pm discussing markstrat! rawr. But i hope to meet her soon. Who will go High Society with me? :D

Anyway so that aside, i was just observing people around and was reminded once again, how i forgot how it was like to be so immersed in love. How and why do people seem so lovey dovey? What do they feel when they see each other? What kind of emotions run through their stream when they go on dates? Ain't it boring? Don't you feel like you have nowhere to go, nothing to do? Don't you run out of things to talk about? Don't you just feel tired of sharing?

I no longer understand. Perhaps getting too old for the emotional stuff.
Or too tired.

I'm definitely hardened by life. How practicality has won over me time and again.
Then i question, is this what i really want?

---------------------------------------------
Was asked out for supper, but for various reasons, i think i should resist temptation and stay in.

not happy :(

2011-03-29T12:59:00.005+08:00

Look at this: Genuinely happy.

But i just woke up feeling like crap. The events that followed hadn't helped in cheering my day.
So i continue feeling like crap.
I think its because it seems like i have nothing to look forward to.
The death of cheerleading = the death of me.
Life is bleak. FML.

my friends are cute (:

2011-03-28T23:52:00.003+08:00

To avoid further misunderstandings, i'll have it completely removed.
Whatever happened has happened, no point pursuing (:

But for disclaimer's sake,
the previous entry is not meant for any of my bimbos, gal pals, bff, or anyone i am currently in contact with.
It was a brief encounter that got me really indignant, for the group of us who have been really supportive of person A. I am keeping it anonymous because i do not want to flame directly, as much as i am super upset with her doings.
She has hurt all of us, but i will not expose her directly because she was once a friend and i think protecting her is still the least i could do for now (:

2011-03-23T17:57:00.003+08:00

Yea, it's pure coincidence.
Coincidence that you haven't been here for when I needed you the most.
And you still aren't here.

But it's ok, I refer silently to my post on independence. I'll talk to myself, pet myself and believe everything is gonna be ok.

On a sidenote, my faith in humanity has restored. Random guy offered tissue and asked if I am okay (: thank you, whoever you are. You saw through me though I tried to be most discrete.

prancing in circles

2011-03-23T13:26:00.003+08:00

I never realized this, but now i do.
Everytime i tell myself to be strong and independent, is also the time when i fail to be.
How many times have i told myself this already -.-

Look at the backtuck! :D WAHHHHH. My best thus far.

And the chio first pyramid :Dv

And here, our final pyramid on Stomp! Credits to Stomp for the above pictures.

So anyway, me fails. This is to commemorate the official death of my dependence.
Its bugging me. I will like, camp in hall for the whole of next week and like find myself more company so i can stop being clingy.

TRICIA, LEARN INDEPENDENCE. haiyo. bugster.

Still busy

2011-03-22T17:15:00.001+08:00

Cultural showcase yesterday kick started with JamBand, Dance and then our finale: Cheerleading!
Good work XaVers! Can see you guys really enjoyed the routine and achieved ASU with 2 trainings omg so proud (:

Anyway, Librans are known to be flighty creatures. I'm sure i'm libra.
This is bad, i need to be god darn serious. And professional. But it just goes to show what kinda work i'm meant for. Sigh...

nationals (:

2011-03-22T02:03:00.005+08:00

Toss up trophy :D and our first mega pyramid!

Cartwheel BnA (: I finally did it with much stretching oh yesaahhh! This isn't the prettiest cos i'm already releasing it for pop twist :D

The legendary double twist which took me forever ;) then suddenly one day it happened! HAHAH i also don't know why. Bad locking though, scissors kick :/

Unassisted walk to hands and our dance (:

Backtuck, left heel to right heel on lib then toss up to gladiator (:
Followed by a 1-1-2 with full-up glad at the side!

It was an awesome experience. I love cheerleading in every aspect. I love stunting and learning things, defying gravity and believing that we can. I like how i have learnt mind over matter.

ACES has taught me so much. I can't just let go. I might come back, stronger and better. Just so ACES can FTW ;) We must. So much i wanna learn. I wanna learn full-up, i wanna learn other basket tosses, i wanna perfect my arabian and add a kick twist to it! There's so much i want to do (: Cheer has never been enough for me. I could do it for a living!

Then again now that its over, i have a ton of assignments to clear its damn crazy. Crazy is an understatement, its super hectic. I have 2 reports and 1 presentation due this thursday. fml. I will, like usual, do well and maintain the first class. I want to be perfect in my own ways, though its impossible to be perfect. I'm far from it, i am superflawed.

Thanks BB for being there for me all these while, helping me and encouraging me! And my family for bearing with the heartaches of seeing my bruises and injuries. And my friends (HH, Rebec, Shihui, Bimbo, RJ, Rosa, Roomie and PeaCock) for being supportive by coming down to watch and getting me the CUTEST hello kitty and flowers ever! And also them for accomodating my absence. Without my bf, my friends and my family, i wouldn't have made it this far.

A big thank you for all of you who live in my heart. You know who you guys are (: If you think i care for you - yes you are the ones. I love you ♥

irreplaceable

2011-03-19T02:14:00.005+08:00

the feeling of being completely replaced isn't pleasant. But then again, its a vicious cycle. Its a karma kinda thing, you get replaced and you replace; repeats.

Bird Park with BB and my sisters! (: We feel like a family!
I'm really excited about my 21st birthday! BB is planning it together with my parents awwww ♥ I love to be loved by him!

Anyway training was pretty productive today, imho. I just treat it like normal, expression max and so far, we haven't failed single base walk over extension! :D My base Victor how zai!
Lets keep it that way. Rehearsal later at SNCC grounds. Bless team ACES to Victory on Sunday. WE WILL WIN THEM ALL. TAKE IT BACK!

People go FOC Celebratory lunch i Go-Fight-Win.
People go enjoy senior camp i also Go-Fight-Win.
DBC pampered me by treating me to go Disney on Ice, i still Go-Fight-Win.

Fight stunts until bin ceh ceh i better WIN.

Afraid.

2011-03-17T14:43:00.003+08:00

Blogging omw to NTU (: training at HSS today!
Cut my bangs to avoid having to comb everything up for competition. Look funny now like some china doll :/

I realized I don't understand him as much as I used to. I find myself with the sudden disability to express myself around him. I don't even say much these days cos it seems like I've nothing to talk to him about. I'm afraid to bare my true feelings, subjecting every single thought and action to serious contemplation. It's as if I'm taking baby steps to avoid pitfalls.

I'm afraid.

人都是犯贱的

2011-03-17T01:59:00.003+08:00

我是人，更是女人。
BB brought us to bird park today :D
Eased my guilt of being a non-existent sister ever since my schedule has devoured me. Thanks for bringing all of us out ♥

Rushed to training afterwards. I really love running routine cos now i've learnt to blank out its good. I just concentrate on giving the xzb face xD
But i managed to do BHS today! By myself all the time some more and NEVER FACE PLANT wah i how surprised.

Victor brought us out for supper after training! (: I am starting to enjoy ACES a lot more because i am starting to warm up to them. I mean, no choice. I hang out with them everyday hahaa but i'm starting to like them a lot. Then again what a waste cos everything's gonna end this Sunday and i'm how lag -.-

The supper place reminded me of Pups. Memories of secret stayovers, of walking to get supper, of going to the night safari for ice cream, of walking to petrol kiosk to get tidbits and dining with his family etc. I remember them all. I know his gf is kinda insecure about us being friends, that is why we aren't even friends right now. But thats ok. I am sure things will always fall into place if its meant to be. Now when i think back, i only remember the good stuff. I will always remember how i used to love him till my heart bled (:

I saw how he is blissful with his gf right now and i am so happy for him. Its genuine.
I guess when you care for someone, no matter how distant the person is, you will still care somehow or rather. And you will learn to put aside the hurt, and be super willing to forgive and forget. Pups, i know you won't read this. But thanks for being part of my life. I hope we can be friends again in the near future. Cos you mattered, and will still matter (:

And independence, i am learning it bit by bit. I don't deny the process is painful. Its like falling down and getting up - it hurts. But no one can help you. Only you feel the bloody pain and only you can get over it yourself. I'm glad i am exposed to all of these and growing stronger every time i meet disappointment.

Its good to lead separate lives, to have our own breathing space. Even though i still feel that something has changed, that something perhaps the desire to be with each other 24/7, has died along the way. I mean i understand your explanation but then again its a different feeling i get altogether. You can say i am sensitive but i can't help it, i'm a girl and a very sensitive one at that. Its a pretty neutral thing. I'm just more aware of minor changes in feelings and behaviors. Its not a bad thing definitely. I just need time to get used to it.

So thats nothing new, just another stepping stone. I need to lead my own life (:
I can. I really can.
Except, i don't know if its for the better. It could be worse for us when one day we can start running our separate lives like we don't even exist anymore. Like with all the free time suddenly thrown to me after SNCC, i am not too sure if i can tackle the void that you've left me with.
Then again, its not about whether i can or cannot.
Its about how i will or will not.

Mind over matter.
The best thing i've learnt from cheer.

superhumanity redefined

2011-03-15T03:04:00.005+08:00

Had a fun filming session with SP and Meiyi! (: and of course my most capable BB as the director of it all. I can't wait to see the end product! So glad to have great casts for this commercial. I really wanna score for this project and without the abovementioned lovelies, this wouldn't be possible. So a huge heartfelt thank you, i mean it. *touched

Training today is $#%&* I guess i'm just not quite used to it. But its no excuse, i will have to get it by tomorrow. Actually no, i should rehearse it all in my dreams tonight and get it set tomorrow. I will unlearn and relearn. I need to kick the fear and bad habits. 5 more days, ACES. I will go-fight-win for you. For the champion. I want to win. Who competes for second place?!

My left elbow numb -.- kns i can't even type this properly cos i can't feel my fingers much. Its so weird idk why suddenly numb. I will do my BHS tmr, by myself. YAY. I can do it. I CAN DO IT. IMA GONNA KICK BALLZSZXZXSZ.

Anyway, i realized we are indeed very different. We are on different levels of humanity. I don't feel too strongly about anything this remotely distant. But on the contrary, your eagerness to help and be a part of this whole catastrophe is overwhelming. I can see the hunger to help and the sadness brimming and overflowing. Something which i obviously do not comprehend.

Then again, i got to make a stand and say that its not because i am selfish or suggest that your concerns are unnecessary. We just got to accept the fact that we are all different. Maybe i am too myopic but thats how i am built. I do care. But my concern is highly selective. Only if you matter to me will i pour my guts just to make sure you're not a least bit hurt. But if you don't matter, i will still care but you just won't see me fumbling over you.

Then again i don't deny how i am a lil affected by how different we can be, the bottom line of it all kinda sucks. And i thought we were mfeo.

Thanks, still, for spending the lil time we have tgt with me! (: I really cherish how, despite all the obstacles and differences, we always hang on to each other because we *believe* in the beauty of our future ♥ I love you baby dear.

And to Chanel bimbo twin,
Stay strong girl. Its okay to cry everyday, and you will feel like a frail lil girl who's so weak. everytime must fight back tears. that is exactly what i feel right now. its ok girl, as long as you cry and get over it. most important thing is to feel better ok? i always hide in the cubicle and cry all out, with the warm water its very comforting!
I want to be with you very much, but i cannot because of physical limitations. I know this is no excuse cos i feel so cui as a friend. Especially to someone this important to me. Girl, you must MUST hang in there. I will chiong to you when i have space to breathe - i promise! I will drown you (and myself) in ice cream and take all the comfort food in the world. Just to make us feel better, and i want to be there for you, so to let you know that the world is still wonderful without him in your life. Its always a plan for the better. My life sucks balls right now i swear, but i know its all planned to make me a stronger person (tho i don't see it now, i only complain -.-). But i'm sure when we're out of it all, when time heals everything, things will always look brighter.
More importantly, i will be there for you if the sky falls down on you or if you need someone to cry with. Sorry, my shoulder very narrow cannot let you cry on. But i very good at crying cos i rehearse everyday one. So we can cry together :D
I love you babe, jiayou!

ord part #1

2011-03-11T16:26:00.003+08:00

HOCC came to a close (: Big event down, which means i only have ACES and Battlegrounds to handle for now. And of course the ton of school projects and quizzes fml :x

Crunch15es didn't do so well overall, which i am very surprised cos i thought the dynamics of the group was pretty good! And their performance touched me. Heartbroken
I really need a proper break. Life's taking its toll on me cos everything has been going on double time i can't keep up the tempo.

Accompanied BB to submit his transcript just now, and suddenly i felt really stupid for rejecting exchange twice in a row. First to Washington, second to Switzerland. Okay, but then again its not the time to go on exchange.

When can i go on a holiday?
Please bring me away~~~

these silent tears

2011-03-10T11:36:00.002+08:00

that no one will understand.
I can only keep quiet. Buy my own ice cream and comfort myself..

And this burning anger.
Its ripping me apart and i am suffocated.

No help, no help..

uncontrollable

2011-03-10T00:43:00.003+08:00

Before i begin my midnight chase, i think i should calm down in order to concentrate. Keeping my emotions in check #

I didn't know what was wrong, everything felt right. I could laugh, i could hold a proper conversation with my teamies, i could poke fun at myself for losing my lollipop...
Everything seemed fine till i stepped into the cubicle.
The moment the water ran down my back, i broke into tears. I just collapsed and poured every single sorrow i have within me. And i'm embarrassed by the breakdown. Its as if i'm really a loser who couldn't take the stress and fatigue.

I couldn't stop crying. I tried to tell myself to stop, to pinch myself to stop bawling, to stop breathing so i would stop drawing hurried breaths... nothing worked. I was that inconsolable.

It really felt like i was that lonely. I felt so helpless, like an injured kitty left alone by the alley. Except it was too weak to purr for help, and no one could find it.. what less understand it. At that very moment, all i really wanted was a comforting hug, an approving nod, a consoling smile. None of it realized. Not even in my imagination. The tunnel i was trapped in, was that dark. I don't even have anyone to talk to.

I took a long shower, as long as it took to calm myself down. I had to brace myself for the world. I wear that smile that i've practiced for so long, and everybody will know i am okay. I feel sorry for the way i fool myself. The way i convince them, is to first convince myself that nothing can take me down.

Dear Tricia, one day you will get to that somewhere. All the time you've hoped that someone will take you there. Wake up, no one will do as promised. You've been hurt enough, its time to learn that only you can help yourself.

Stay still, and push on, girl.

I miss my bb

2011-03-09T01:50:00.005+08:00

I will start on my work at 2am. After i collect my laundry and do the budgeting stuff.

I MISS BB ♥
My dearest Sebbie, i wish you were here right now. Sigh...

Thanks for sending me to school and saving me lots of time (: You're a sweetheart, who does things for me without asking for anything in return.

Was really quite awkward with the celebration just now. I just feel like perhaps i am not quite part of hall XV anymore ever since i have been so active outside of hall like with my CCA and such. Then again when i meet them it feels like nothing much has changed. I don't quite know, we'll see when i get back. Next year, i definitely won't wanna be involved too much. Actually, not at all. I'm just going to live in my own world with my dear BB (:

Hate it that i have so much to do now :( And no time to complete anything.
And it sucks that all my energy has gone to missing him.

-----edit-----
Sometimes i think i am damn lame. Really. I try to look at those pictures everyday so i can in a way make myself immune to it. But everytime my heart sinks. Yet i know this is part and parcel of reality. Be strong girl, no one can help you fight this inner battle. You help yourself, even if you perish, no one knows how hurt you are deep inside.

And this just makes me want to cry again.. too late, i already am.

better after ranting (:

2011-03-08T01:33:00.002+08:00

I feel much like a bitch but i can't hold it anymore.
I never ran to secret avenue twice in a day before and i just did, poured everything out and swore like it was me against the world.

Isn't today legendary?

-Yes for the stress, yes for the bore and yes for the troubles.
Sometimes i don't know how to love you.

Secret avenue

2011-03-07T11:54:00.003+08:00

How long has it been, since the last private entry :) I'm so glad I've a closet life. An avenue where I can be free to let my emotions fill the page, no matter how ridiculous, unreasonable, childish or angry. It's a place for me by me. No one knows so no one judges.
And it's the only* place I feel special..

Hall prod 2011

2011-03-06T23:28:00.002+08:00

BB picked me and Wenliang up from training yesterday, then together with lauren and huanghao we went for hall prod at ACJC. It was pretty cool - The Play! (:

Great job to those who acted, especially my cock SP cos he's so him! Bought this super huge sunflower for him:

his make up so thick! D:

BB ♥ who agreed to drive us all to hall prod!

And me and my dearest roomie! (: i'm wearing my sister's jacket haaha!

With Bimbo-chan and L4G! (:

Anyway i have been progressing at training. Though the feeling of having to devote time to training really puts me off sometimes, i really enjoy stunting when i am there. The exhilaration when all-stunts-up (ASU) is just amehzinggg i tell you. DAMN GOOD CAN! :D

Accumulated quite a few new injuries. My left ankle is really weak, so is my left wrist and elbow. My waist from baorui's backspotting, my back from cradling, my right hemstring for tearing :/ not counting the blue-blacks that decorate my body :( not pleasant.

STILL. This is called working hard for my dreams, victory never comes easy. I want to defend the championS that we had and we WILL take it back. Take it back, in your face, ACES Go-Fight-Win! (: Oh yay!

And i am at BB's place now, doing my stuff while he watches soccer! Liverpool won ManU 3-1! Heee glad he's happy. And i was browsing some stuff and went through an emotional roller coaster. Was quite blah at times but quite stunned at some new realizations. I promised myself i wouldn't be a stupid prick and be upset and i didn't :D Just a lil uneasy but aite, me ish braveh3art.

I came to conclude that people will eventually accept things that they have been exposed to long enough. whether they like it or not. Its sorta like getting used to. And reality is, no matter how seemingly impossible some things might be, the braver you are to face it, the more you will accept it. Not with a pinch of salt definitely but you will, hook or crook (: i am not there yet but i am getting there. Come on tricia, you're a freaking awesome cheerleader. Cheer yourself on! Go-Fight-Win!

down, down, down

2011-03-04T09:17:00.002+08:00

Was wearing a windbreaker over a cardigan yesterday, while my dad went topless and my sister in spaghetti. I thought it was just me feeling chilly like usual but i came down with high temperature last night.

Was supposed to take a short nap and i woke up at 1am, texted BB cos he said he'd be awake. But he was asleep anyway. I felt really cold and uncomfortable, reached out and popped a thermometer, damn the fever. I rolled back to bed and figured that its probably a bad idea to wake up and do my work. I should sleep and pray for recovery.

I'm fine now. Not feverish but still cold. The discomfort however comes from within. I need to get myself out of this struggle asap. Its affecting me so bad.

no one said it was gonna be easy

2011-03-03T21:34:00.005+08:00

I'm really driven and i surprise myself. Have been going for my 830am classes, participated actively in class, have my assignments done on time and actually do a good job out of it.
Did not skip any trainings, stayed optimistic throughout tough trainings. Bear with the throbbing (and sometimes seemingly unbearable) pain, remained cheerful till the end, did not procrastinate when i get back hall, took a comforting shower and then start on work no matter how late.
And finish them on time and make sure its a great job well done.

This is how i get my A+ assignments and reports and presentations. Amazing drive.

I'm no supergirl, no matter how delusional i get sometimes. But i'm truly surprised at where i get this drive from. And then it finally struck me today. Its what has been dragging me down.

God is fair. That whole cliche line about there's always something good about all things bad? Yeah i subscribe to it now.

I felt really inadequate at day end. All of a sudden my mood just nosedived from a cheery confident girl who's proud of her achievements to someone who can't even see any worth in herself. I feel like a plastic bag, says Katy Perry.

Its a minor incident which took me less than 5 minutes to get over. But it just reminded me of the bug thats been living inside of me. That i can never be perfect, or anything close to imperfect. Thats trash. Oh wait, that kind of sounds like me too.

The stupidest of all is realizing in flash seconds that you're living an irony. 24 hours ago i pledged to dump this whole inferiority issue and never ever be bothered by it cos it doesn't matter (since it won't change anything except make me feel worse than ever) but its back to haunt me again 24 hours later. fml seriously, I can't think of a better way to deal with it.

I used to be so ambitious to strive for perfection, and i was really glad to pursue it. I don't know what made me change, such that i don't even dare to dream about pursuing perfection. I don't qualify. I can never be the kinda girl people expect me to be; I can't even live up to my own expectations.

Maybe the disappointment has been so huge, that i guilt trick myself into making up to my sorry little self. Maybe that is why i have been so conscientious, putting in so much effort to prove my capabilities. Maybe, that is why when i eventually succeed, i actually feel good about it. Because its the only thing that can make me feel better about my pathetic self - my abilities.
Mystery solved - i found the reason for my drive.

Still. It doesn't make me feel any better now that i've managed to burst my own bubble. I thought i was genuinely over it. I guess i need more than a little bit of time to really pretend nothing can affect me. That i give up the fight completely - the fight to even qualify, to matter in your eyes.

I knew at once i was never made for anybody, i was never born to be loved by anybody. Because no one deserves someone lousy like this. Now that you are in it, you drive me almost crazy. You throw me in this desperate struggle. Sometimes i just want to run away from you, so i can run away from my imperfections, run away from truth.

chasing tails

2011-03-02T02:39:00.003+08:00

I wonder if you read, i wonder if you know how you make me feel.
Its as if you haven't moved on, something which hurts me quite a fair bit. I always thought i have led you out of your shadow, only to be crushed by the realization that you sometimes spiral backwards.
Then again you're too busy now, i will not say until you let that burden off your chest. I hope to speak to you tmr, just cos i miss you. I might not have the time to though.

Today is an okay day. Cheer was pretty fun today (: My 2.5m pitch glad is changed to some liberty then tik-tok look alike down and then toss up glad straight. I don't know what it is called but ok.. I like it a lot better (: Thanks to my superzai bases.

I dread tmr. 830 - 1230 class, 1230-230 project, 230-530 class and then 7pm training.
After that i still have to prepare for my case discussion cum presentation on Thursday. fml much.

reflection at month close

2011-02-28T23:36:00.008+08:00

Life isn't mundane. I don't even have time to think about how the busy-ness has become a constant in this routined life. Routined not cos i am doing the same things everyday, but rather how busy i be everyday that i barely have time to just stone (my favorite past-time).

Sometimes i get really stressed and i start behaving really oddly, or unreasonably. LOL. I amuse myself much :/ Like just now i got upset with BB over something really minor, and come to think of it its not even anything worth being upset over. I wasn't really being normal. I was just too stressed up methinks cos i've SUPER TIGHT deadlines to meet :( But now that i am done with it, i am done with the weird me too. /goes back to normal/

Then again its true. I was reflecting on it in the bath. I think its this whole inferiority complex thingy acting up. Its kinda at the back of my mind. Not admitting to it doesn't mean it does not exist. And this inferiority stems from innate insecurity, the bad trait that i always tuck away. I think you are always the only person whom you can trust the most. I'm always trying very hard to live up to someone else's expectations, but sometimes you cannot change the fact that you are not as skinny, not as pretty or not as hot as someone else be. I'm just born... me. I can become anorexic but probably won't be too happy achieving it (but having achieved it is a different scenario altogether). I love ice cream, i love chips, i love cakes and i love teas. How can i forgo the gastronomical pleasures for anorexia?
Then someone will come along and assure you that you are perfect just the way you are (oh don't remind me, how i hate this song. Or anything like Fireworks or like Perfect. really, bs). And when you start to believe, you then realize how far you are from the person's ideals. Like how silly for you to be taken in by this assurance. It just doesn't work that way. No matter what people say, you hold your own judgement call; its like the only reliable thing you can ever believe. Like if i do not think i am perfect, i will never be perfect no matter what other people may say. And this is so much better. Because then you will not be hurt when you eventually find out that you are not perfect in his eyes. Because then you will not be hurt when you find out who these people are checking out, who these people are curious about on social networks like facebook, or who these people fantasize about - just because you will never be that picture perfect girl. You're just ordinary, no matter how these same people assure you you are doing okay.

So, here i am, not too sure what to feel about myself. Neither do i know how to go about feeling normal or confident. I am confident of who i am, just not how i exist in a package. Maybe i should just f* my inferiority (for now) and focus on my strengths. My strength lies in my confidence, my capabilities, my friendly disposition, and my genuine concern for every being. I should really just live for myself. Who cares about these random people who disappoint me.
Self-improvement ftw! I guess i am just disappointed in how i am not giving my 100% in cheer. Not yet. And i always do that stupid countdown thing (and now its 20 days more to Nationals), but it suddenly struck me that we are pretty off-form. With all the injuries, i am pretty sure we need more determination and thirst to win this more than anyone else. Especially me, when i am new, i cannot let the team down if they have the faith in me.

Screw the broken wrist, screw the weak ankle, screw the stinging elbow, screw the scars and bleeding gums. Screw all of these physical barriers. And victory shall be mine.

Resolution?
For these 20 days, i will be the most disciplined cheerleader. I will do the routine with my heart, i will practice gymnastics with my soul and i will stunt with all my might.
For these 20 days, i will try my best to survive on little sleep so i can juggle my studies.
For these 2o days, i will not be the best companion, neither will i be the most sociable; but its sacrifices. Sacrifices made for my dream.
20 days.

yayyayyy (:

2011-02-27T21:12:00.003+08:00

People on the mrt always give me these weird glances/stares :( In morbid curiosity of why my arm looks so bruised i reckon. Nonetheless, i wouldn't say i have suffered in vain. I managed to do a few back handsprings instead of head/face plant HAHA yay much :D

I finally learnt to catch full-up 2-2-1! But my swedish fall cuiz :( But oh! Other things else are cool. I am pretty pleased with today's performance cos i felt like i learnt quite a bit. And i finally managed my double twist :D Even though i only succeeded like a few times out of the million times but still. I know i am getting there! With good advice from everybody i will jiayou so i won't let the team down.

I'm trying to keep up with this positive attitude towards school and remain consistent in my work. RAWR. Good work thus far. I wanna emerge all of these, proud of my first class, my being part of a national team, my role as a Cultural Director and also my role as a good daughter, a good girlfriend and a good pal (:

Go-fight-win! :Dv

2011-02-27T12:33:00.003+08:00

Blogging on the go :D

My cheek is better, though my chin and jaw still hurts and are causing me heaps of inconveniences with my speech and diet. Feel like a chipmunk but I'm a lot better :) omw to training now! Had a fruitful project discussion this morning :) can't wait to start on my work!

I wanna achieve a proper BHS today (; feel quite motivated to optimize productivity for today.

On a sidenote, it kinda sucks to be misunderstood and its not easy dealing with someone who perpetually second guesses your intentions. Just wanna say, I'm not who you think I am and I'm sure you know it. Considering how long and well we've know each other. So have a lil faith in me? :)

lighthouse after dusk

2011-02-26T21:39:00.002+08:00

I feel lonely like that. I reckon its cos i am wallowing in self pity. For the fact that i fell from scorpion-on-gladiator and knocked my chin into something hard. Then my inner cheek started bleeding and it didn't stop until 3 hours later. It was quite bad i had to keep changing the gauze :'( and swallowing my blood is really gag-inducing. Damn disgusting.

I didn't wanna tell my parents lest they worry, and they packed dinner for me. I had to eat it if not it'll be super obvious. I couldn't move my jaw cos i think i dislocated it. So i just shoved food in my mouth and pretended to chew, while all i did was shuffle it to the back of my throat so i can swallow them.

Now, i feel like crap cos i vomitted everything out cos of indigestion (potentially).
I think sometimes i am a prat? Because its times like this i wish i had BB with me, comforting me and being here for me instead of at someone else's party. Then again, i always strive to be a better person. For once i care about being a prat :( I shall just swallow everything and not bother him now. I shouldn't disrupt his fun. I am gonna switch off my phone, and sleep. I don't want to think about the discomfort. I need painkillers real bad.

bad vibe

2011-02-26T11:46:00.002+08:00

emo.this whole bad vibe is getting at me once again. i was so chirpy a few days ago and now i'm like $#%&! I needa get better. I need to get over.

I'm just disappointed. Disappointed in a whole chunk of things.

But what is life without its dosage of disappointments?
Then again, what is life with daily double dosage of disappointments?

I'm kind of emo right now. I thought i should blog to rant, but then again i'm not sure if it'll work especially with training in an hour (all the way to 6) and then lonely night tonight. I should go starbucks to study myself, i think i should channel all these negativity into something productive.

and i'm really proud of me

2011-02-23T23:19:00.006+08:00

SO many reasons why today is a great day.
I settled a lot of things and ended up sleeping at 430am, woke at 7am and made my way to school.
Stayed awake and remained active in class, rushed for project meeting, rushed for another lecture and there were no breaks in between. That was 830am - 530pm for you.

BB picked me up (: We went JP for dinner! YUMMM thanks baby for being so cool. I love how you always bring me to places for foood! Especially when i'm famished and haven't had lunch. ILU! ♥

Afterwhich he sent me back for training. Training was good!
I DID A BACK HANDSPRING BY MYSELF :D
And it wasn't even a headspring. OMG now its my favorite. I can't wait to practice again on Saturday! ((: The impact is really heavy on my left elbow but its ok, no pain no gain.
Finally tried tiering Yilyn for full up 2-2-1. WOOHOOO we managed a few successful ones and i hope to get better at gripping. So proud of her x-out twist! (: I love segment 1! I hope we can achieve ASU soon! :D

I miss XaVers!

I can't wait for class tomorrow! :D I somehow enjoy going for my lessons this semester. After that i am finally going on a date with BB! Its like so rare cos i am always so busy with Nationals and stuff. Yayy sacrifices of being the boyfriend of a cheerleader :p

Actually sometimes i grumble. But, in the end i believe i am an optimistic person. I just get depressed and when i do its terrible. But when i'm okay i can be the happiest and chirpiest person alive :D I'm naturally cute i know, tyvm. HAHAHA ok no im kidding.

I really love the trust and chemistry between my bf and i. Its like i will never be the possessive girlfriend who will suffocate him with my love. I pity my ex because thats what his gf is doing to him. I am equally insecure but she's kinda overdoing it, as if she is some frail lil insect sitting on his nose. Idk how he's gonna juggle with school next time, cos NBS is afterall exclusive. Oh well, then again thats their issue anyway ((: I can only wish him luck to deal with a petty prat.
BB said he's lucky to have an understanding gf like me, and i feel so blessed to have him! Yayyy ♥

Happy vibe :D

Ice cream tomorrow!! :D

regular monday

2011-02-21T18:15:00.002+08:00

Joined BB and his childhood friends for late night dinner on Sunday. We went Yuki Yaki and WeiXian decided on making a huge omelette. Which in my opinion, and to my surrpise, tastes pretty good! I think its the butter spam :D

After which we had Cold Rock at MBS. Yay!

School today is pretty okay. Met my prof and caught up with my printings. Met with Team IAwesome :D We kinda decided on stuff but not too sure how it will turn out. Hopefully we can gain high revenue ABOVE our already rocket high market share. RAWR.

Sitting in Mind Over Stress with enemy-san beside me and BB on the other and Phoebe. I don't have training today :D Its changed to Tue, Wed, Fri - Sun. Okay so anyway i don't quite like BB taking this elective cos it somehow will link to his past. I don't like. Not at all. Sigh but not like i can change anything anyway.

Then again, this elective is for me. I think i am clinically depressed, except i refuse to seek help and i refuse to let it show. I just tell people jokingly i wanna kill myself (but am afraid to do it alone, i'd rather someone kill me or sth). And people shouldn't know its serious contemplation.

20.02

2011-02-20T11:59:00.003+08:00

A new beginning (:

Things haven't been going the right way ever since BB's return from farawayland. Things have turned quite ugly cos of so much animosity and misunderstandings. All of which we are gonna leave behind as of 12midnight. We are starting anew. We are transiting from 19.4 to 20.2 (:

BB had elaborate plans which imho is quite drama, thank god he decided to save me the drama and proceed on to the main point :D He actually bought me roses! OMGGGG. For someone who die die don't want to give flowers as gifts, he bought me a small bouquet saying I LOVE YOU. Awwwww ♥

Thank you. A bouquet on vday is probably not as special as this is to me, because its a special date and i don't see anyone else holding this bouquet in hand :') Thank you baby.
For a new beginning!

i forgot

2011-02-18T15:12:00.003+08:00

how its like to love. anymore.
Was at XY's facebook page and she would declare sweet somethings on her boyfriend's wall and vice versa. Its not the public declaration but how their sweet love for each other just springs off the screen (: XY i am so glad you are so blissfully in love. I'm so happy for you and GJ to have found each other and love each other so deep! Stay this way forever i wanna be your bridesmaid! :D I DON'T CARE i want a pretty dress hiakhiak >:)

Anyway, burning passionate love.
Its something i felt a long while back. Something that i don't remember anymore. Its more like a muscle memory routine. Its getting really difficult, and almost impossible, to imagine the kind of desire they have for each other. All's just kind of blah to me. I'm kinda blah.
Love, can i find you back?

love really is, friendship on fire.

2011-02-18T14:46:00.002+08:00

Someone wrote this and inspired this entry. Love really is, friendship on fire?

Sitting back, there are 2 ways to go about looking at it. Being ever-skeptical, i'd thread towards the negative. Friendship on fire can mean an enthralling companionship, burning with passion and enthusiasm and excitement; but it could also mean a burnt friendship, long foregone...dead and gone.

The positive explanation requires no explanation, any of which will be insulting human's emotional intelligence. The latter i feel more for. Does it mean that friendship will never be like before once its interrupted by love? Does love tear the layers of friendship down, never to be found when one does not commit to love?

Its kinda like an imaginary staircase.
Love is a flight of steps after friendship.
When you cannot get to love, you are forced to retreat to the steps you took before (the flight of friendship). Some people jump off the staircase, some choose to retreat all the way to acquaintances while some linger on the connector of these 2 flights.

Its heartwrenching to watch people abandon ship, after all the way they've climbed together. Its not an individual thing, when you climbed that flight of steps with someone, you will have to jump if that person jumps. Most of the time, i am the one pulling the person back. I want to bring the person to retreat and for one special case, i wanna linger on the connector.

After so many bad experiences, i do not wish to go through the whole serious of unfortunate events again. I don't wanna have to abandon the steps. I just got to be more cautious in future. For that once, i was the most careful. Except i gave in to my emotions, of which i really shouldn't have. Then again, sometimes looking back, i do not regret every single moment (:

helluva day i survived

2011-02-17T01:56:00.003+08:00

I keep whining hahaha but i don't care. Cos my schedule really sucks but i survived. Thats the main point. I FREAKING SURVIVED YO. Had 830lesson, 1230project meeting, 230lesson, 530event, 7pmtraining, 10meeting. All the way till 1230am. Then i'm free. NO break at all in between. Superwoman is the me :D
And 830am later :(

Eager to watch Hellcats! (: Rekindle my passion for cheer. I want BB to come stunt with me on Tuesday, come and learn to do partner stunt you lazy bum.

Aces training today was pretty okay. Though i still can't pop twist nicely, or pop twist even, i think everything else was okay. My toss up from 2m away Glad is still inconsistent but i am starting to feel it (: And swedish fall i'm getting better at the whole managing my psychomotor thing. Didn't do Arabian THANK GOD! I really don't like doing that, i dislike hurting my bases SIGH. Dislike max. But i promise once my shoulder recovers i will do better. Promise. Hmmm and double cupie was okay.. at least i don't dread today's training (: Though time crawled slower than ever, it was still quite fun. I like Yilyn's rabbit haha esp when it nibbles its damn cute ((:

Can't wait for tomorrow ((: Or later. Going over to BB's to watch Hellcats AHHHH ♥~

sunflowers roses and primroses (: vday 2011

2011-02-15T10:56:00.004+08:00

Had training from 12pm - 6pm that day! Worked out a great argument with BB, and we survived. I'm glad nothing too huge we cannot solve and similarly, nothing too major can get between us (: We caught the fireworks near Chingay and then had dinner while we waited for midnight movie!

He brought me to Swissotel (: AWWWWWW ♥ Our sweet pre-valentine surprise! Okay,
mine. Hahaha.

And decorated the bed with this cute lil thing! Damn prettaye~ And Swissotel is like my favoritest hotel ever, idk why, maybe Swiss but. Yeah ok 53rd storey! ((: Damn high up i had a great view of the cityscape below, so so breathakingly awesome!

And a pink fluffy box with all my favoritest things inside from ArtBox! (: Thanks BB!

We checked out early cos i had training on Sunday noon :/ meh, training spoils EVERYTHING rawr. But at least i had a good night sleep on the comfy squishy bed ((: BIG LOVE!

My first vday gift from Yihao san (: I love the flowers, handmade! Won't die one!

And the Fossil leather watch that i bought for BB (: He was talking about leather watches for awhile and i wanted him to have a better watch than his airforce one hehhee. At least something presentably awesome. Can't match up to his $xxxx Tissot one but its the twouble that counts okayyy xD Hahaha i hope he likes it though!

I still haven't passed the ppl the Vday gifts that i made for them! rawrrrr i should get down to meeting people. Have been so lazy and lethargic and sick lately :(

Free.

2011-02-12T03:03:00.002+08:00

Some pictures i kop-ed from friends ((:

Always be the cheerleader in your life BB!

My backtuck, which i thought i almost couldn't make it cos i didn't manage to jump off properly.

XaVers babe! I love you, all 7 of us are awesomezxzx.

OUR ASU CUPIE OMGGGGGG! ♥ damn chio can?!

Chio wenwen (:

The super late and super rushed heel-stretch, unfortunately, no pics of my scorpion :((
And Jack and KahYeow with super cool ninja makeup!

The months spent stretching, and my cheerleader babe: Rebec! ((:

XaVers! GO-FIGHT-WIN!

2011-02-10T03:32:00.002+08:00

Mixed emotions, let me sort them out.

1. Relief
Because its finally over. All the trainings, the final day we pulled it off.

2. Elation, and pride
I'm damn proud of my bases and myself. We managed to ASU, even the liberty (tho awkward) which we missed the timing! D: woooowwww! I managed to arrow my scorpion on time ;) YAY. Muscle memory ftw!!

3. Emo
Emo because its a team that i truly did enjoy training with, for the fact that they are very committed to this. They are the golden batch, willing to learn and improve. I am proud of them. But at the same time, we didn't manage to hit ASU :( Then again, it is a lot better than last year!

4. PROUD OF OUR DANCE
Seriously, you look at our dance. F neat can?! Damn nice.

5. Grateful, to our coaches
Graham, who encouraged us and stuck by us despite being ill.
Yilyn, who always accompanied Graham and gave flyers good tips as well as encouraged us with her "JIAYOUUU!!"
WenLiang, who did the music and coached us (:
Daniel, our FAVORITEST dance choreographer. Honestly, without you our dance would be $%#& and thanks to you, our dance is almost perfect. I am really REALLY very touched just watching us ((:
Charmaine, who is the cutest cheerleader ever, who'd always encourage us and teach us. The person whom i saw emotions flooding her face when i was up there doing my liberty, and was reminded how i need to grin. She inspires me.

All in all, cheer was a damn good experience. It just gets better (:

However, i left the mats teary-eyed because i knew we didn't hit ASU. Its as if i did my best but yet the best still isn't enough. Its ok, we really enjoyed cheering (:

And also i'm very upset by him. Cos he has been hurting me. I've never cried so much in a week, but this week i did. I feel so weak. I hope things will turn for the better, i can only pray. He means so much to me... I hope he realizes.

Even after feeling so horribly shitty, i put up a good show. Showcasing my smiles and cheering my lungs out (: Good fight on the mats! And i was hoping BB captured my proudest moments, my widest grin and my sweat and tears for these weeks. Its like i trained so freaking hard, dieted so much, and put in so much time for this one moment. My ONLY time i can wear this uniform and pull a scorpion on liberty, do cupie on my dearest bases... my one and only. And i was really excited to see his photos because i specifically told him he was gonna be my assigned photographer that day. I was SO excited to see my perfect scorpion which i broke my back for (literally). Really, i didn't tell anyone that before HO cos i really wanted to pull a perfect scorpion just for the picture perfect moment. But... a wave of disappointment hit me and i cried, secretly, on the spot. His pictures had everyone and everything but me. BUT ME. Its just all of me randomly doing dunno what shit, giving the weirdest expression. I'm thoroughly disappointed in him. I guess i will never be able to forget how crestfallen i was, to be disappointed so much. I've really never ever felt so disappointed till i cried in my life. Never. Then again i know he probably forgot or what, like usual. I can't bring myself to blame him but i'm still VERY upset. Very. I hate it. I really do. UGH. Its like missing my one and only chance. I wanna be upset and mad at him, its like nothing he do now can change anything. UGH.

hurt ;__;

2011-02-08T00:45:00.002+08:00

Cheer ended early today, we didn't achieve full ASUs but not bad an attempt, especially our last run which was wooots! (: I really enjoyed it.
So it is kinda before 1am wahh something new.

Willy's birthday, they were celebrating.
Somehow its really weird now cos i don't feel the same as before. Maybe i'm just really affected by his presence, or absence. I don't know how to put it. All's just weird cos he's avoiding me i think. The situation's not really resolved, its really hurting me i'm dying inside. I don't know how to go on from here... I'm just really upset. Like a part of me was gone with him.

Then again, what else can we do?
I just wish for us to be normal, and you make a super conscious effort to exclude me in framed moments with your camera. I know, all you wanna do is erase me clean. Its as if you've forgotten what we were and how we used to be. You've hurt me, perhaps as much as i've hurt you.

How now?

in eons

2011-02-07T06:31:00.003+08:00

Its 630am, my class is in 4hours. I can't decide if i wanna sleep or not. Its just ridiculous i feel so tired already. I probably won't go for my class, really. SIGH.

Anyway, we achieved ASU at cheer today, GOOD WORK XaVers! ;) Can't wait for HO to be over, really. I might miss the team but at the same time its probably good that things are coming to an end. I need time to catch up with my life. Cheer is really taking up a huge part of me, from my family, friends and BB.

Starving sucks, i didn't eat much but a few mouthfuls of veggie cos my dad said i had to eat. So i just entertained him. Then i couldn't resist it i had cup noodles. I just felt like puking every mouth i eat -.- I am this disgusted by food now. Super nauseous and giddy i wasn't functioning at all today :( Should not starve. But... HO is just 3 more days. ARGH endureeeeee~

BB has a surprise for me on VDay! I wonder what ((:
And i'm glad he embraces my honesty. We are taking things slow and see where we go from here. Hopefully its a happily ever after! ♥

I'M SO ANGSTY LUH TIRED MAX I WANT TO STAB SOMEBUHDEHHHH!

Moving with the spirit (:

2011-01-30T15:32:00.003+08:00

I've 20mins (: it's my first blogpost from my phone. I hadn't brought my lappie home cos I left hall in a hurry and spent the weekend at home. Feels kinda awesome to be resting my body and not overtax it like it has already been. I think it went into shock that I'm suddenly training so intensively that it refuses to recover. Left hip just gets number and number with more medical help. Please get better dear body of mine, it's all up to you now to complete my dream of being a bona fide cheerleader.

Prior to BB's return, I always had this idea that mmrs can be erased. Just because my ex kinda did that sorta stuff to me :( mean max. I've no idea why I believed in that but whyever it is, it's plain stupid. We all know that mmrs are mmrs for a reason. Unless you suffer a concussion, and have severe memory loss, no one can take it away from you :)

With this, i woke up my idea and reconciled with the fact. I thought like it's perhaps better to share your piece of the memory with the otter half, so he can share a piece of your mind and inch towards the core of your heart. He might mind your dreamy look when you recall memories of old, or he might even be upset with your random spouts of nostalgia. But I believe with great mutual communication, nothing cannot be resolved.

This is why my BB is special :) he embraces my ideas and we rock the same boat. He ne'er takes my questions as an invasion of his fond memories, neither will i try to erase them clean. We could share. Cos ultimately we know there's me with him and him with me.

Baby, if you're reading this, here's a shoutout: I love you :)

immobility

2011-01-29T14:48:00.003+08:00

Have been cheering 7 days a week, and finally there was a break from ACES yesterday. I went to visit a sinseh wrt my strained left pelvis. Woke up feeling really numb and could not move today. HH is hospitalized. Gosh, i came to conclude that cheerleading is a tough sport. Whether you're a guy or girl, you must be physically and mentally strong.

At least for me, i felt like my determination and courage leaped quite tremendously ever since i joined cheer as a sport. Its like we must let our head rule our injuries and pain, and have a never say die attitude. And true enough, i'm not afraid to try. Except, i cannot do anything now that i am quite injured :/

The big baluku is causing a throbbing headache, Dislike.
Will go for training tmr!

For now, lets pray that everyone will be safe..
GO-FIGHT-WIN!

life's not a bed of roses, but its filled with sunflowers (:

2011-01-25T14:49:00.002+08:00

In lecture with BB now! I totally forgot its week 1 and have no tutorials :) But tmr onwards will have seminar yeeha! I can't wait to go for my first seminars, i really absolutely love my core ♥ I never once regret majoring in Marketing. Its my passion and the scoring As are like super manageable. I did really well this semester despite the hectic schedule. Scored A+ for my core, other As for the year 3 mod as well as communication mod. The only B+ i had this sem was for jap T____T damn sad can, i studied so friggin hard. Must be my listening haha which i totally flunked like free :/ Okay, no more language!

I'm still camping for HP801! I really wanna take this elective because i went for the first lecture and it is very interesting to me. I read through the notes of my wed elective :( mehhh its interesting la but not as comprehensive. It didn't come to me naturally but mind over stress is more natural to me. oh well. i hope i can get it!

There's much complications for my course regn this sem but i will try to sort it out asap :)

Cheer again tonight! I am pleased with the progress but i really think XaVers can do a lot more. We can perfect tougher stunts. Just absolutely worried for my liberty esp with my pelvic injury :'( And partner stunt is up la but not 100% hit rate yet. JIAYOUUUU! And my back tuck is improving except my x-out is like zomgwtfsml?! Its damn ugly, sadface much.

JIAYOUUU! I decided, if i wanna do something, i better be awesome at it.

That's my confidence.

I will be an awesome cheerleader. With a body that sizzles (':

Toodles~

I want my life to remain status quo

2011-01-23T19:43:00.003+08:00

Can't really decide what i'm supposed to do now cos i wanna bathe but i'm really damn tired, i just want to sit down. I dragged myself out of bed today and went for aces training. Which was pretty okay (: I feel my BHS improving big time (: I can't wait to do by myself!

So much happened these few days. Cheer and injuries aside (like a fractured rib plus super strained left pelvis etc.). 24hrs happened. I was really happy that 24hours, but all good things must come to an end. And to all, reality is what we're living. Don't wanna reveal much cos its a private life but i will never ever forget all the fond memories. I don't wanna lose everything we've done, and i don't wanna lose how happy we felt when we hung out. We can get better in time. I pray it be.

Sebbie boy is back! (: He came down to fetch me from ACES to Hall cheer :D Accompanied me all the way and was really bored but thanks for waiting and sending me home!
It was pretty awkward initially cos i didn't quite know what to say to him. Its as if leading separate lives for the past few months has built an invisible wall between us. Was quite frustrated. Joined him and his clique for dinner at chomp2, went to chinatown to walkwalk then we proceeded to clarke quay to chill! His friends are quite funny but i was so tired i wasn't really into anything. Bahhh. He sent me home afters.

That night, we had a good talk. I'm so glad we did. I knew all along we were special.
We're really atypical. We are far from a romantic sweet rs that all couples are, we are the complete opposite. We toil through the darkest and gloomiest of all periods and we can do without love. But, he can't do without me. Its like we are holding onto something larger than life, larger than love. Something inexplicable.

I don't know where we will go from here but wherever we steer, i hope things will always turn for the better. I want to hang on to what is dear to me. Forever.

Seb: Welcome back (: Its kind of surreal. I just can't imagine seeing you physically and like being able to feel your presence literally. Thanks for the sweet organizer that you painstakingly plowed through every page just to make a perfect one. Its really sweet (: I'll be using it! THANK YOU! ♥ Sorry, i will be busy and won't have much time for you. But i'm pretty sure the distance has trained our independence. Its a great thing to embrace!

what will last forever (:

2011-01-21T02:20:00.001+08:00

I love my flowers, 9+1 = 10!
3rd, always 3rd (:

wah so exciting!

2011-01-19T08:08:00.002+08:00

haha ok i will post about my damn exciting day out - other than my DISNEY ON ICE OMGGGGG :Dv im so happy i'm gonna dieeeee! But ok later.

Read from XY that ideal weight is:
(Your height - 70cm) x 0.6 x 0.9

So from that cal, my ideal weight is 45.9kg but i'm like 5.9kg short of it. Yayyy ok all the working out and dieting and crazy madness cheerleading helped keep my weight in check big time ;)

happiest day ever ever

2011-01-18T02:14:00.005+08:00

First i had a great day heading out. Had awesome dinner and sweet dessert ((: Happy trix.
Cheer was okay. I felt quite miserable missing all my liberty. Suddenly without KL as a backspot i can't do it anymore :'( too dependent. RAWR lets do it. But pyramids are getting better, but i was injured again. I'm still bleeding now seriously -.- I'll treat it after i bathe.
Pork joined cheer :D He's like usual the shoulderstand cos his shoulders are really broad and hmm got platform hahaha BUT YOU MUST JIAYOU FOR DANCE. lol he's another ka ka. HAHAH. YAYYY more familiar faces in cheer.

And its results day! :D I'm 0.01 to a first class way to go!! Ahya, too bad i didn't work hard enough for sem 1 :( Okay, JIAYOU TRIX! Now i can totally go on exchange, the question is: Should i? Maybe not, work and travel still sounds more exciting (:

Anyway more injuries from cheer today :(( im major sadness. Other than the normal I-incur-more-new-orhcehs-whenever-there's-training, i have abrasion over abrasion which is like ugh. Other than those, my poor mole near my belly button is being scraped and its bleeding non-stop. Seriously it keeps bleeding. Bathing was a major D: I had to bite my towel to restrain myself from yelping in pain. But note to self, do not bathe with an open wound you just wanna kill yourself big time. But okay, applied pressure on it i think its getting better (: YAY!

what a wonderful world, oh

2011-01-16T18:42:00.005+08:00

twisted my left middle finger :'( more new PAINFUL orhcehs. RAWR. I'm so angsty. Weak everywhere. Right rib hurts like madness too from the repeated cradling. My motivation is dying too. I can't believe it, its not even close to nationals and i'm feeling like i hate this already :( It would help if it were a team that i love but its just different. For XaVers, 2 times a day 7 times a week is enjoyable but for nationals.. idk. It is very goal oriented. The stress is making everything really boring and dreadful. Let me rant, i really dislike trainings. What a chore.

Okay, gonna bathe and go for hall cheer now :')

-edit-
HALL CHEER WAS DAMN AWESOME :D Thank you XaVers, you saved my miserable day.
I really like the team spirit. Even though we are not as strong as aces, we compensate the mood with team spirit (: We will get there eventually! Top 3 okay!
They make all the pain go away ♥ They make the block nose go away ♥

Time to bathe again and sleep (: I can't wait for tomorrow's training even though a lot of bases won't be here. Its alright, we will just train other stuff. Still looking forward to it :D And early dinner and SUPPER woohoooo! Gonna apply the counterpain + zambuk + antiseptic, 2/3 of the medication from stupig hahaha ((: thanks for always taking care of me. you're the best!

Cheer overkill

2011-01-15T03:07:00.002+08:00

Even standing on solid ground i feel like i am doing shoulder stand. This is the effect of cheering 7 days a week. My arms are a lil weak now but this is a sign of getting stronger. But the abrasion above abrasion is woohoo high max the lil red spots are turning black omg damn ugly :'(

Cheer was a lil better than yesterday. At least we achieved a couple of pyramids. BUT WE CAN BE BETTER! Rawr still damn off form. But okay btoss backtuck felt pretty alright (: yayyay!

Aces training was okay, we tried this transition thing from double cupie which was pretty cool. Hmm other than that i don't quite like pop twist too, oh my nemesis big time. I'll get better in time! I fear doing it actually :( I should not.

Training again in less than 12 hours omgggg dislike. what is this.

battle scar :(

2011-01-14T03:11:00.002+08:00

this is my burning right arm. really hurts when in contact with water :'( But ok, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. literally. Except i wanna take a break from being strong now, the spiciness is killing me :'( The abrasion gets worse after multiple attempts, repeated abrasive actions rawrrrrr. Ugly skin.

Cheer was terrible today, off form ttm. But i had a great day in the afternoon!

I went to check out the plaques and pork brought me to Alexandra Village food centre (: nomnomnom the laksa is so thick its SO NICE. We shared a large portion but i don't think its filling. I'm on a stringent diet thats why i never eat more. But i am SO going back there for more food, its super nice! :D

Afterwhich i went to Raffles and we chanced upon this super nice dessert in a cup thing! The chocolate is SO HEAVENLY omg i miss it now. Then we had time so we played pool :D It was quite hilarious, and we bishi-bashi-ed! I never thought arcade would be so fun haha cos i seldom go to arcades but woohoo that was a great stress and mood reliever! Then its cheer.

All in all, if not for the fun eventful afternoon, my day would have sucked. Basically any day with just cheer alone, and i mean BAD cheer alone is just bleagh :/ I am starting to find my passion a chore :(

Go team aces!

2011-01-12T22:57:00.002+08:00

This is how double cupie looks like :D accomplished this today, alongside Toss-Up Trophy! ♥
Yilyn is like the strongest mid ever. All respect. I aspire to be like her ((:
And i wanna master this:

From 0:55 onwards. Its the heel-stretch pop twist. Its such an easy stunt yet i'm perpetually stuck idk why. But yayy i love being a flyer ((: I will train more ACES way to go!

Hall cheer and bad day

2011-01-12T15:07:00.002+08:00

I'm officially a mid-tier. I won't say that i like it, in fact i am pretty sure i don't like this role because its really stressful. I remember all i had to do as a top fly is to lock, just 拼命的 lock. But as a mid, you have to balance on shoulder stand, lock and unlock appropriately, CATCH, and hold it there with all your might. But Seb said i should be thankful for this new experience, which on hindsight i am. Its good to see things from a new perspective, at least now i know the pain of mids. HAHAH but roomie doesn't seem to have the abrasions and bruises that i have. Why is mine so jialat and getting worse each training T__T

Not here not there
Thanks DBC for the antiseptic and comforting supper. I was ready to break down after training cos it was really quite tough on me, cos i don't have that much strength and my psychomotor (to catch) is kns. Sometimes i feel like i am not here and not there. I don't look small enough even though my diet and intensive work out has led me to be 40kg, and yet i am not strong enough to tank the weight of the top fly. So i am rather useless in the team. At least thats kinda how i feel. In a way its harming my pride for the fact that i used to be important and suddenly i am nothing; and its getting boring.

But alas, all these negative thoughts should be gone with the wind because essentially i've signed up for HO and cheer is my passion. May this passion never die (:

Achieving bikini bod :D yayyayayay!
I think i am (: I am a lot stronger than before, i can take the PTs quite effortlessly now. I can run quite a fair distance and i'm a lot healthier. Became a lil darker from too much outdoor shopping in bkk xD but ok at least the shade fits my contours perfectly. And my waist is now smaller YAYYYY :D which kinda makes my butt look bigger :/ hmm. And with the appropriate diet i up-cupped yay!
AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY VS BIKINI THAT'S ON ITS WAY TO SG WOOHOOO ♥

Bad day today
I knew it was gonna be a bad day the moment i woke. Did STARS and ok now i have 2x 830am lessons but at least my friday is free. Went for meeting which took like forever, we even had to adjourn for lunch break. But did the balloting and our hall is going 6th for dance competition! COME ON HALL XV WE WILL OWNZZZ!
And it poured when meeting ended so i had to run back to hall. I dropped my left slipper and had to run back and get it, but i slipped and fell on the way T__T butt pain~ And the tiny cut is pretty deep cos blood keeps oozing out! applied antiseptic (:
And ACES tonight! wooooosh! I can't wait to stretch and fly again! I just don't really wanna do pop twist rawrr :[

life in an entry

2011-01-11T12:09:00.007+08:00

Backdated entry on our XaVers Kukup trip! ♥ I only decided to go last minute because i was supposed to go for Aces trainings but :/ okay priorities right? I decided 2011 is a year for me to live up to my name of being an utilitarian so i'll just do whichever that i like best and will not regret. Indeed, the trip was really fun (:

Team XaVers!

A lot of eating was involved. Honestly the food was like SO SO GOOD. We had prata bfast, then we had seafood lunch and then we had high tea and we had BBQ Dinner!
BBQ was like orgasmic because they cooked it so well, the best bbq is when you are being served and don't have to clean up after that and NO CHAOTAH FOOD woohoo!
Then we played with fireworks (like really those national day kind) which was freaking exciting because i've never ever played with anything more than sparklers HAHA and boy was this different! DAMN AWESOMEEEE ♥
Then we had loads of htht sessions and then it was a few hrs of sleep before we woke up for super yummy breakfast and then it was seafood lunch again!
It was basically, a lot of eating and playing. Awesome getaway! Never regret at all even though aces coach screwed me upside down for not going :3 okay. sorry. commitment begins this week.

The girls who went! Minus my cutest bimbo-twin, Kimberley and Wen2.
Felt closer to HH, KL and YH became my enemy LOL. 他变成了这世界上我最讨厌的人！:D
And got to know the freshies better too. More comfy with them now (: I'm starting to like the team better.

Because i want my bimbo friends for life
Was having lunch with Bimbo and my enemy just now. And i'm so excited cos bimbo has the same ideals as me! We are gonna get married in 4 years time and hopefully have cute lil babies whom we can push in cute lil prams and we'd go shopping together! And like go manicure while the kids play with each other OMG SO CUTE ♥ we could even go on a honeymoon together and find a day to ROM together! awwwww ♥

1/1/11, 11:11
Okay, thats if i attain my 200k income goal first. And guess what, it was 1.1.11. 11:11am and i made a wish. This is the first time i took notice of how cool the dates were. I never thought much of it until Seb told me about 9.9.09 :(( but okay, suck thumb and move on. Anyway so yeah my FIRST ever attempt at making a wish and regarding the date so my wish had better come true* ;)

I think i am quite childish or superstitious but these lil things keep me hoping. I wanna get married on a special day too (: Or like spend 11/11/11, 11:11 with my one and only!

The IJ clan + Gen
So glad i met up with the girls! I really love you all. Somehow things dont change. Like even though we have moved onto different phases of our lives, we somehow still can get together and chat. I really like the same old feeling. And i hung out with Sarah at night and she bought me a cute xmas surprise! Thank you dear its really pretty like damn sparkly and cute I LOVE IT!
I really like how we can still talk about things and i can be honest with her ;) BFF for life! No matter how far we've drifted or how we are on different continents and how long we've not talked, she's still my bestie.

Sending stupid off :(

Will miss her a lot. Was really upset when she left cos we are always emoing together. Like she knows what i am emoing about and feels the same way too. She's the only one who makes me feel like emo-ing is natural and there's nothing wrong about it. I LOVE YOU BY! TAKE CARE!
and i'm really envious, can't wait for my day (:

The Tourist
Caught it with stupig and it was a good show, okay not the plot but i liked Angelina Jolie and how sexaye she is! Tram-ed over to USS and bought Charleen a trophy ^^v for her birthday because she's a director and her passion is in films so i thought this should be a pretty apt pressie.
Checked out Candylicious and brought stupig on a tour at RWS (:
Went to Minds Cafe with stupig and his ex-roomie and the gf and her friends, 6 of us! First time at Minds and second time at a board game cafe :D So funnnn! Tho i didn't like the last game at all cos its so mind boggling. Its like dai dee which idk how to play T__T
And thank you, i really think i'm quite smart HAHAHA.

Okie so thats about it for now (: Gonna nap before track training later and then cheer! Somehow i don't really like being a mid-tier because its really tough. I am not strong enough and the impact hurts :'( But no choice, i'm their next stronger alternative. Then again i think its good to take up different roles (: At least now i know how the mid-tier works and how as a top flyer i should lock etc. I'm loving the PTs because it is toning me :D I'm gonna be really fit for my bikini thats on its way to Singapore WOOHOO.

spiralling in and out

2011-01-07T02:44:00.002+08:00

I'm just fleeting in and out again. I don't wanna elaborate. Its just gonna sound the same.

Going kukup with XaVers tomorrow (: I know i am running, i am hiding, i am escaping. From what i don't know. Loneliness?

YEAR-LONG TRIP to BANGKOK ♥

2011-01-03T16:51:00.004+08:00

Spent a year in Thailand HAHAHA ok no that's Pork's joke. Pork Chua. So the 2010 - 2011 is not lonely! Quite happening yay :Dv

I'll update with pictures when pork uploads them, 600+ photos (but majority of random stuff HAHA but pork insists we are camwhores T__T where got). I will share the few photos i've taken with my camera here :D

Anyway so we went sightseeing a lot ♥ I really love the culture there. We went to many Wats and visited even the Grand Palace. We watched the Thai Girl Show which was kinda disappointing. We were excited thinking it was gonna be like striptease or exotic dancing but it was just like 1x live sex show plus manyx exhibition of how these "girls" (they confirmed that these are guys, like the bapok) can utilise their genitals to do stuff like store blades (REAL blades that can cut paper), long glow-in-the-dark strings, Ping Pong balls, open bottle caps, blow whistle OMG these are like super pointless. We were bored after awhile because its quite ridiculous. I was quite disturbed but amazed at the same time like WHOA don't they hurt? :( so upset.
And pork said it honestly isn't arousing at all. Yeah i understand, its like thai-nightclubs-has-talent but in a weird way :s I don't quite like that.

On the peak of Wat - We conquered the extremely steep steps!

Shopping was pretty good! It wasn't much shopping but more like see see buy buy. I really enjoyed this trip because the company was really awesome. We laughed a lot, I haven't laughed so much in so long really (: Pork was really funny and his convo with Stupid is ever hilarious. I love them both ♥ Please don't ever exit my life i'll be most sad :((

I really love these two pictures of pretty stupid :D

On much, much awesomeness ♥
So i was eyeing this bag at Pratunam market and i really wanted to buy it. But a quick check on my cash supply signalled a no-go :( I was really quite disappointed. But pork saw it too, and he bought it. I wasn't upset or anything cos i had the "ahya, have then buy don't have nvm" mentality :D So i forgot about it, and oh i found a money changer so i changed $$ there :D yay to stocking up!
Upon reaching Changi, he fished out the bag and casually gave it to me im like uh..? o.O
He bought it for me AWWWW ♥ Thank you! He's really sweet. The bestest bro in the entire universe i swear. I was so sad that we returned to singapore, back to reality :( But this lil gesture of friendliness cheered me up immensely! I love surprises heee thank you muchie!

I really like this photo, taken by M.E. hahaha its so candid!

And me trying very hard to look natural in this xD

Oh and we ate a lot. A lot. Uh-oh :x

2011 Resolutions

2010-12-31T11:52:00.005+08:00

The first, is of course to regard these resolutions. If not there's no point in listing them.

Spiritually (:
1. Open my heart and embrace people, even those i previously had opinions on. I will erase all of them. Its a year of 2nd chances.
2. More will, more way.
3. Independence
4. Be more apparent in people's lives
5. Care, Give and Love ♥

Physically (:
1. Better cheerleader.
2. Absolute dedication to trainings.
3. Toned body.
4. Focused in studies.

Tangibles!
1. My own camera.
2. Breakaway.

My priorities need to be set right this year.
Family & Friends, Studies, Cheer, Dreams then Romance.

last sticky note of 2010

2010-12-31T10:39:00.003+08:00

I think its really sweet to be able to hold the hand of the love of your life as you cross the years, but this can only be wishful thinking for me (and like all fairytales, dreams and hopes, they do not exist in my story). So it can only mean one thing:

2011 is going to be a year of independence. a year of solo-greatness. and a year of chasing dreams.

This year, i will be very different from all previous years.
I'm going to be formidable.
I'm going to open up my heart and embrace the people around me.
I'm going to be brave, and chase my dreams. At all cost.
(even if it means fainting from fatigue or suffering from the pursuit of thinness or be like the strong people who can leave everything behind and travel. Anything.)

And of course, i'm going to build the new me. I don't wanna be weak, pathetic and dependent anymore. I'm going to be strong, confident and sparkle in time. And its people and the circumstances they have moulded that inspired this change in me. People who have left me behind to fight this lone battle, made me hate this last quarter and cried buckets. I'm changing because you made me. And i'm appreciating it.

and this is the end... of 2010!

2010-12-31T10:21:00.002+08:00

And i can't wait! the last quarter of 2010 has been a majorly bad year and I'M SO GLAD its coming to an end. I am gonna usher in the new year overseas :D yesyesyes! I FINALLY get my chance to escape YESSSSS! I'm f excited. Wanna leave every freaking thing and thoughts behind and GOOD RIDDANCE OMG 2010 burn in hell NOW. what an ass of a year. bitch max.

Sometimes i think of how people are so courageous to realize their dreams of going on exchange and they do it at any cost! I'm so envious :( It takes a lot for me to leave everything behind, especially my loved ones, just to go on exchange. Yet for them it doesn't seem major enough to daunt them. Like they can even extend their travelling so to max out their opportunities. Home means nothing. What is home to these people? Maybe i care too much, i should care less. Travelling is like my #1 happiness ever ever, i'd die of happiness if i get enough moolahs to travel a lifetime and die travelling. Okay, enough angst for 2010 entry.

Heritage tour ^^
Anyway i finally went on a heritage tour :D wait for pics to be up then i'll share them here. Went to the legendary Haji lane too! Finally checked out the mosque at Kampong Glam and walked the streets of Little India. We got Henna! :D Secretly very pleased with it heehee. We walked around a lot, like really the entire noon! But i'm so glad we did. It didn't feel very long cos the company was good the activity is great. Yay!

Cheer Training
Cheer was even better! I don't feel as flexi as on Tue but i think my heel stretch improved quite tremendously from last year HAHA. Learnt the drills for X-Out D: it seemed like such a big deal to me but after watching videos i realized its the basic -.- omgggggg. tough much. But i'm excited!
We did toe-touch and i think my toe-touch improved. At least its progressively closer to some sort of a jump instead of a mini hop. Conditioning was a bitch x.x but i like to tone up! Want to look hot enough in my new bikini :D

Okay i think i sound too excited. I can't quite describe this feeling. The angst, silent anger and elation at the same time. Is this how crazy people feel all the time? Weird much.

Good bye 2010 BYEBYE yeeeahahaaa! Along with all the horrendous people, events and mmrs. I'm gonna be stronger and better. Watch me.

sweet surprise (:

2010-12-29T21:22:00.005+08:00

So glad to be home sweet home (: And a surprise postcard was left on my desk!
The last part melt my heart...even though it happened in the past. Its still sweet.
You're really cute, and counting down to your return! I'll wait for you of course, i'm not intending to go anywhere or pursue anything, and i really missed you too! ♥

CHEER
Its great to be back into the cheer scene once again after a short break. Even though i kinda dread going back to hall, cheer made up for it (:
Did my first backtuck-b-toss too HEARTS! I wanna learn something else haha but first i must perfect the btoss with HEIGHT. I should stop eating their height :3 I should try toe-touch since i've never tried it.

We did step-up trophy and gladiatrtoo! OMG I love how amazing we are we actually managed! Wen^2 is SO STRONG and supremely stable, alongside KahYeow the amazing base WOOTS ♥
We did our first pyramid YES! The team learnt fast i'm so proud of Shirley and Kim.

Bad temper :(
Yeah i blew up on Seb because i had a very long day and super worn out from cheer and JCRC meeting. It was cos he asked me to check my timetable thingy last minute when i already sent him before (he lost it) and despite me telling him to plan awhile back. But okay his reasons are valid i think but still its my fault that i was impatient. I was impatient because i felt helpless as i didn't have my lappie with me so i couldn't check :(
Thanks for being so understanding and tolerant.

So i felt really guilty and so bitchy so i apologized to him. Didn't sleep well that night cos hall mattress so hard don't like :s Anyway so being guilty for being horrible, i have decided to change for the better. 2011 is gonna be a smashing awesome year (y)!

Hanging out
Went K and XinWangTaiwan with BY and Arielle! Took neoprints and had gong-cha as we sat around wheeeee.

Will seriously miss BY when she goes Sweden :( My spontaneous random 冲动 partner! CANNOT FORGET US WHEN YOU COME BACK OKAYYYY heartheart! So glad to have known the baichi family, its like what we talked about. The permanent keep-in-touch (: and our Beijing + Shanghai + Eurotrip! Prease to not forgetzz.

Finding Prince Charming :D
I was seriously thinking about what DBC said to me. He said i don't know what i want...but yesterday just proved, once again, that he is right. Then again it just shows how strong this relationship i had with Seb was (even tho idek what we are doing all the time). In a way, he wouldn't let me go no matter what, like really no matter what. Even death doesn't seem to part us. I'm for real. And he understands how we are not ideal and i need space and etc and how this period has been really tough for both of us, and he has agreed to us being apart. Yet somehow, i feel he has been holding on to us so dearly and protecting us so delicately. Its like, the damage was never done and he still treats us with a fresh glimmer of hope. I guess this is what moved me.

All along, girls dream of their prince charming. This prince charming who, no matter what, will never let go of his love because he believes with all his heart that he is the only one in her life who can bring her happiness (and oh! the alluring confidence he exudes when he believes that *melts*). And i guess in a way, i am really lucky. Because the girls dream of him, I have him. And i live in his heart! ♥

Thanks for accepting and loving me, just the way i am. The fiesty lil me. I am counting down to Seb's return. No matter how things will turn out, whether we gonna try this out again and be better in time, or we gonna remain status quo, i trust that he can make things work. He always has our best interests at heart and i have absolute faith in him to decide on how we gonna be in future.

With this, i check out.

when you're too bored at home

2010-12-28T14:11:00.006+08:00

I was just watching 康熙来了and i can't help but feel so inferior. Like seriously i don't even feel like a girl anymore. I'm totally 没胸部 and i feel like a bubble :'( Those girls like 徐至琦 has extremely HUGEEEE boobs and guess what, she's skinny too! D:

There, picture evidence.
Guys, don't drool now. Her body is hot stuff we all know.

T____T now what. This is something like, even if i want to work on it also cannot. Born flat means flat one. Haiz.
But i am more comforted watching the removing make up episode HAHAHA they look quite ordinary so its amazing how make up does wonders! I wonder if i'll look any different with make up :/

On a totally different note (:
I was just reading a friend's blog on her kids. She's younger than me btw but she has 3 lovely kids. Today omw back from central i chanced upon this mom and her cute lil toddler.
I was just thinking, ahhh i can't wait for the day when i'm blissfully married with my two kids!
And then i'd hold my lil girl in my hand and drive her to preschool, plant a kiss on her forehead before she disappears among her classmates ♥ I just. Think parenting is going to be quite a beautiful challenge, especially sweetened with a loving hubby and the most capable dad of our two sweethearts!

Yeah, dream only. This won't happen in 2011. And i haven't even achieve my 200k income -.-;

Oh! Another photoshoot confirmed on Thursday hmm. I hope it'll look okay - this time i heard they are gonna slap on tons of make up D: So gao wei just thinking about it, but i think its a good time to see if there's any diff anot.

tweet tweet (:

2010-12-28T09:31:00.005+08:00

GOOD MORNING WORLD!
Slept early yesterday cos i was exhausted, woke at 3am and stayed awake all the way till 11pm and i was gone after that xD I had moderately uninterrupted sleep, which was awesome!

Woke at 7am and went for a morning run, did my intensive stretching (and OMG I can do splits effortlessly now zomg how come?!) and bathed! Waiting for Apri to come around to borrow formal wear for her interview later. Hope all goes well for her! (:

Feel so refreshed. I love to be up early so i'm gonna kick start the great day with a hearty breakfast! To kickstart the metabolism (: I freaking need to lose weight, i must be 3x kg by mid Jan. I will. My 1200calorie diet is so far so good ;) Have been consuming less than 1000calorie everyday. I love the discipline! I'm gonna buy breakie for my family too wheeheehee~

Counting down to the getaway~ and looking forward to cheer practice tonight! I'm itching to train hahaha!

Waiting for Seb to come back before we go NEX together! I've been dying to go there, especially with all the reviews and i want to try their bbtea! Its like, my weakness. I know, i love bbtea too much. Wrap my favorite choice of Gongcha/Koi with a ribbon and my eyes will sparkle. I'M A BBtea-LUTTON AND I'M PROUD OF IT hiakhiak ^^v
24 more days ughhhh i will try my best to restrain myself from just venturing there cos of my bbtea :D

And my 2011 resolutions, will be up before i fly~~

---edit---
McGriddles with egg is like 560 calories fml -.-
Anyway i was just browsing fb and realized people will eventually find a group of people that they gather and hang together, this is in reference to the ex. Glad you've found your groupie (:

And there are very sociable people like Huat. He belongs everywhere!
Sometimes i'm a lil envious at how people can be this sociable. Its something that i'm not made for. So now when i think back, i'm always trying so hard to hang on to the lil groups of people i have. Quite pathetic right T__T but its tiring to be who i'm not. So i think i will give up trying.

For 2011, I'll just be great friends to my closer friends (: Its fine if they don't reciprocate la, ahya the world is not perfect. Giving is believing. And believing is joy ♥
And i will meet everybody and treat everybody with an open heart! Even people whom i heard things about or have prejudices against. I will treat them fresh. Its all about 2nd chances and a bigggg heard :D

teeheehee

2010-12-27T10:21:00.005+08:00

For the one who just made my day (:

THANK YOU!
for being so awesome, always.

♥_____♥

first day of the last week of 2010!

2010-12-27T05:09:00.004+08:00

Like yesterday, i am awake in the middle of the night. Its 5am now, was awake at 330 and attempted to pack my room a bit. (but fail, cos i ended up here instead)

Finished a whole tub of fresh-cut pineapples OMG i can go and die already. Sorry guys its unintentional i just finished it subconsciously :3

The bird's hooting to the breaking dawn (: I wanna go for another run or perhaps a swim today! Can't wait for later. I downloaded this iPhone app Calorie tracker or something and it says to attain my desired weight by end Jan, i must live on a 1200calorie diet everyday. So far so good (: Diet day #1 = Success!

25 more days to Seb's return! (: I think there's cheer training tonight, which i can't wait too. Because i wanna get down to intensive stretching and conditioning! Have been feeling super unfit recently.

He's kinda weird today, somehow he feels very distant. But maybe its just my insecurity coming into play but then again i'm almost always right when something's bothering. He wouldn't tell, and i don't think i should probe else i'll be annoyingal90. Here's wishing for a normal Sebby! (:

What's gone wrong, and who's grown up
Have been staying home for the past week ever since exams ended. Other than xmas eve and a short shopping trip on wed, i've been enjoying the warmth (literal) of my room. Was ill thats why everywhere else is kind of chilly.

So being home did its fair share of fixing me. I've been rather angsty, like the angry scrooge on xmas eve. Almost. I don't really have the motivation to do anything and not exactly in the best of moods to meet anybody. In a nutshell, i'm super boring xD in a bad way of course.

I thought i've been quite emotional and of course, really miserable, and terrible. So everytime something like this happens, its like a phase: We grow better when older.
Seb bore the brunt of it, sorry for having you so worried about my irregular sleeping habits and of course my on-and-off sickness and a whole balloon of angst.

I can't do anything to help my sleeping because its not within my control to determine what dreams i have. If i could get rid of them nightmares, i would be god but obviously i'm not so. I am now living on a healthier diet with exercise so hopefully i'll be healthier in time. Plus, my immunity is zai one so dw about it. I heal like a dog.

The angst...well. Guilty to have been a cause of worry. I kinda realized i'm definitely not gf material. Fling perhaps, cos when i'm your fling i couldn't care less. So i'd be a lot more independent (: and when i'm nobody's gf, its better cos i can emo for all i want and not have to worry that my actions will end up hurting someone or be embarrassed at my breakdowns when i'm just so sick of life, again. I'm so suicidal its ridiculous. When i'm in a good mood like now, i don't understand why this side of me exists but it just does. Somewhere within me i have this unhappiness and loneliness that lingers. But when i'm in a good mood they cease to exist.

I know, you're scared of me. I am, too.
No one understands me and i appreciate how nobody does. Because they don't have to bother themselves to. Its a waste of time. All i have to know, is that we all grow better in time.

Be. Focused.

2010-12-26T07:40:00.003+08:00

The sun's almost risen. I should head out for a run before the sun's fully up.
Some things just aren't the same as before.
It is time i grow up and take it like a big girl.

I will be focused, and dedicate all my time to being perfect.
Well, perfect is an overstatement. I just want to be a good person, a good daughter, a good older sister, a good friend (exclusive to those who matter to me) and a good cheerleader and student.
Everything else won't matter now.

For a good run~ :) and a new beginning. Even before 2011.

because i am alive, idec why

2010-12-26T02:21:00.006+08:00

To mark my promise to myself... i will live a white xmas, the next xmas.
Its Boxing Day!

Xmas Eve

Christmas Eve i went to surprise visit XY babe because she was down with fever and food poisoning. I really thought it was quite :( to spend xmas eve alone and hence i decided to visit her, alongside with Huat and Bimbo. Bimbo, unfortunately, was down with rashes so only Huat and i went instead. We bought a get-well-soon bear and sunflower! (: And bus-ed down to her place.

Spent the evening with her and it was great just talking and catching up a bit. Huat must be really bored cos he didn't talk much xD oh noes. Now he must think i am super bitchy D: bahhhh. Its only cos i'm close to the girls if not i'd be more reserved haha :D I really trust xy babe a lot so i tell her almost everything and is completely truthful to her. She's really chirpy and hospitable even tho she's ill :) i'm glad we made her xmas eve, just like how she made mine better as well! I didn't feel alone, and i have friends i could depend on.

To XY babe: Girl, you're still pretty even with the lights on lah HAIYO. Super cute when you wanted to keep the lights off lol -.-; do we care how 憔悴 you look? No what, as friends we look at your heart (: Thanks for having us at your place, disturbing your peace and quiet with your mum. Your mum's really hospitable and nice! :)) And you've lost weight, so i'm glad you are getting better - and please do get better soon - because your bf is gonna come back super soon! Excited for you dear~ And i can't wait to have a healthy xy back again. 2011 is a year of new beginnings, both for me and you. I slowly explain to you why next time we hang out again ♥ GLAD TO HAVE KNOWN YOU!

After that Huat cabbed me down to Tanjong Pagar cos i figured town will be crowded. I felt like an imbecile because i didn't have cash so now i owe huat 1x meal! :D Next time! My treat!
Met RJ, BY and Arielle at PrizeNation lol and spent so much on that damn toy but :'( rj gave up, saying we must know when to stop. Its his money and his favorite toy but we were more adamant than him. Arielle and i were super upset :( Oh well. The events after were kinda disturbing in a fun but okay-ly fun way. I'm just glad i am not alone on Christmas Eve. Thanks family ♥

Christmas
The initial plan was to go to Malacca and KL but i was ill so we decided not to go. We went Jack's place instead. I have no idea why i'm better already, but still feeling the chills. I think it must be the lack of good sleep. Christmas, nothing happened.

Bad dreams and the non-existent rest
I have been flitting in and out of sleep. I have no idea why i keep having these bad dreams which are totally random. Like for the one i just woke up from, i dreamt of beating some dude up (he's really cute) but i just had to beat him up. I didn't know why i was so violent. He lost to me. Hmph. And i was stranded in this really dark place with terrifying cats so i had to get out. I met 2 other aquaintances and we thought we could walk out together. But she tried to steal my damn watch (and its weird cos i don't wear watches at all, but its quite real because i usually wear it on my left wrist just like in my nightmare) and tried to push me to the road with a grin. I'm like wtf is her problem?! Then this male security guard named dR. Siti Krishna (its so weird, i know he's male and i don't know what the dR before stands for but its exactly whats on his name tag) saved me. I wanted to write a letter to commend his chivalry -.-; thats why i woke up and switched on my computer, only to realize its a nightmare.
Following which i dreamt of being lost again. I walked several bus stops across 4 busy junctions but i couldn't find a single bus that goes to my house. I exclaimed this: I am not even asking for a bus to my house, but a bus to my next estate also don't have. My house very ulu meh!?
Yeah so i was panicking cos it was really dark and there were no lights at all and there were black cats with FANGS following me. I just couldn't find a way home :'( and i tried to call Seb but he wouldn't save me. He didn't even respond to me cos he said i was supposed to be sleeping so he's ignoring me. I just cried and i woke up, so afraid.

Okay i admit, Xmas kinda sucked
But thats okay, because at least i made everyone else's day.

Thats kinda how i comfort myself. Considering how my day really sucked, at least the people around me are enjoying it. I'm glad to make them feel better this day than just feel miserable over this miserable day. I tell myself to count the positive:

1) I had dinner with my family ♥
Those who knew what happened to my family, will realize why i am cherishing this moment! I am so glad we are happy together as a family.
2) I am not dead, not yet
Even though in my dreams i wished my friend would have successfully killed me but i was kinda more concerned that she took my watch LOL. what?
3) People who matter to me, are happy
This season is completely giving. Its this inexplicable joy of giving and sharing i think? I don't ask for anything in return cos i don't need anything in return (: I want to see my friend's happy faces. I want to know they are healthy, happy and dandy.
The mentality is that, at least when mine sucked, let mine alone be sucky. I try to leave something good in someone's life so they won't be as miserable as me. I like to give me up, for the happiness of thee ♥

me again (:

2010-12-24T11:36:00.004+08:00

I read XY's post, its really as if i see myself in her descriptions of herself. I wasn't emo from the start. I was a really cheerful bubbly girl with happiness bursting at its seams all the freaking time idek why haha. But thats just before i stepped in JC and fell in love with my ex.

I loved my ex as much as i used to be so upset and mad at him. I was also really hurt, so deep, by this person whom i loved so dearly. But all's great, its all in the past (: I'm glad we moved on well. Hope to be friends again some day because nobody can replace the 3 special years i had with puppy. The bond and fun times we shared (: I remember! Cos we are not just bad memories.

Anyhow i woke up quite happy despite having slept for only 3 hours. I had a nightmare again (everytime i sleep sure got new episode one) so i text Seb right away and he woke up to assure me LOL. damn funny xD He fell asleep shortly after. Piggg (^@^)

So it wasn't so bad today i didn't wake up too depressed. yayyy so i thought its xmas eve and what is xmas without company?

I drew a xmasbabie for him!

"Hi SeBBy! I'm a cute lil x'mas baby elephant (: Adopt meeeeeeee~ hughug!"

I have been home these few days and not doing anything constructive, not much. I just feel so lethargic all the time cos i haven't slept well at all. Then i'm super awake at night but the whole world is asleep so its like super weird. I think i should live in Europe. Other than that, everyone's kinda busy too so idk who to ask to hang out. Loner much.

TO XY:
Babe, PLEASE TAKE LOADSA CARE! I know you probably are and safely snuggled at home but try to eat sth despite it being unappetising to you okie? Really hope you'll get better soon (:
xx
Trix

:((

2010-12-24T01:07:00.003+08:00

fu nightmares. fu.
Haven't been able to sleep properly at night. I hate sleeping :'(
Everytime i close my eyes and fall into some sorta slumber i get horrible depressing dreams of idk what. Then i'll feel like i can't breathe in my sleep and feel really awfully uncomfortable. Like i was gonna die.

Finally this afternoon after coming home from sister's orientation i managed to catch a very long sleep. I was interrupted by my dad knocking and fixing this shelf from IKEA but okay i woke up, went around and went back to bed. It was the longest sleep i had ever since exams are over.
But one thing remains:
I still have the same bloody nightmare over and over, and OVER AND OVER again.

What's wrong? Its like i'm going crazy. Its tormenting me mentally and taking its toll on my health because everytime i will wake up feeling depressed. The melancholy spills over to reality :'( I hate to feel suicidal every waking (and sleeping) moment, like EVERY FREAKING MOMENT. And i have nothing to distract myself with. Upset much. Wants to kill self again. Urgh.

And when people say everything's gonna be alright, they're just nightmares. Okay thanks but it doesn't mean i don't get scared of what happened so vividly in my dreams and that i am perpetually feeling depressed. Seriously, you don't get it. So its ok, you don't have to try. Your attempts are gonna be futile unless you can get me out of this bloody depression or like end my life for me. TYVM.

怎么不失望？

2010-12-23T00:51:00.006+08:00

How long do you want to keep the truth from me?
我现在才发现，原来我在你心里是那么的没出息，霸道又不讲理。
我不是。我才不是：‘（

How is revisiting it and pricking fresh wounds better than being numb overtime?
...
It just isn't.
I'd rather bleed every single time, grow tired of it and FACE IT (whether i truly accept or become numb overtime). Than be oblivious, only to chance upon it after having forgotten. Its like reopening the seams of a scar, revealing fresh meat of a wound.

And what hurts the most, is when you went against my wish when i knew obviously what was best for myself.
I'm not angry, i'm bloody hurt.

shopalone (:

2010-12-22T22:47:00.004+08:00

After interview, i walked around Vivo and Harbor Front to get Gongcha and just, waste time! Its good to head out and distract myself. However, i realized everyone's shopping in groups or pairs. I am the only one alone D: Loner much.

Anyhow, i bought my sister this thing she was wishing for!

And the queue for gift wrapping was insane so i just DIY-ed (: Tada! Santa buys toys from Toys'R'Us! My sisters are really dumb to still believe Santa Claus exists. I only believed it till P6 xD DUMB ENOUGH. But they are worse, Alicia Sec 1 already! tsk. Seriously. Please la if such a mystical character exists, there wouldn't be lonely people suffering, like myself =.=; why so naive. But okay, we don't wanna burst their bubble so we just play along hahaha (:

And xmas chocolates! SO CHIO RIGHT? I hope they taste as sparkly as they look. Plus i bought cute lil gift cards to complement the chocolates. Teeheehee.

You smile, i smileeeeee! :D
Shopping never fails to lighten my mood. I think i'm broke like a pauper now but it feels awesome to spend money. Its enthralling to buy gifts for people (imho) because its like a surprise! You never know if the person will like it and you probably think the receipent might just appreciate it because its something he/she has been looking for. The thrill is in delighting them, surprising them! Or it serves as a warm gesture to remind them, "Hey, have a great day pal!" or "You're remembered!" ((:

Or maybe its cos of this emotional void that i try to fill, such that i will attempt to make others life more complete by pampering them since mine is in ruins. Either way, its great to make someone's day. The emptiness in me will be filled when i see their smiles (:

Basically, indulge in moderation
I think i must be quite a shopaholic. Spend money = :DD
Doesn't matter spend on who, spend on what. Even if i'm super poor i think its still worth it! See, i'm a confirmed Utilitarian -.-;

My husband better be frugal hahaha if not we sure damn poor everyday eat grass and drink longkang water. He cannot be brand-obsessed. Its cool if he indulges once in awhile but not want everything branded. I think like if his income allows him to live this lifestyle, why not? But if he doesn't have $10000 rolling in now and then he'd better not spend $20000 on like a throne, or anything really pointless for that matter.
Moderation is good. I don't like scrimping and saving every cent and end up not enjoying life in its finest bits. I'd love to pamper him with luxuries once in awhile but at the same time we must know our limits. Yep! (:

I wanna be a mummy! ♥
I chanced upon this friend who is now a mummy oh my! She's my age. Seeing pictures of her blissful with her kid and bf? kinda makes me want a kid too :3 I can already imagine the bliss of buying stuff for my newborn and like teach it stuff even before its birth. I read this book on parenting and they recommend positive activities such as watching news, reading books, light exercising and basically eating healthy food to stimulate the baby's intelligence :D so cute right? I wanna read it really cute picture books everyday! Eh, no, it cannot see the pictures. Hmmm.. ok i'll read stuff like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" so he can be very intelligent! Mehh, then again thats kinda overkill. I don't want a nerdy boring kid. IDK! I'll see what books interest me. If she's a girl, i will read romance novels so she will be so sweet and lovely, if he's a boy i will read mystery and pepper it with romance so he is a romantic sweetheart when he grows up! :')

Then again, i do not have a $200k income yet so i cannot be a mummy :'( Oh wells. I don't even have a husband yet. LOL i think too much.

On the job
Yeah i think i got it. But i will be working like madness. I think its a good thing, i want to exhaust myself and let work consume whatever free time i have. Living the life, hell yeah. I think if i collapse one day, i only have myself to blame. But its ok. I chose this road on impulse because i don't wish to feel lonely anymore. I rather tire myself to death than be lonely.

fallen leaves

2010-12-22T14:18:00.007+08:00

I try not to remember how embarrassing the breakdown was. I just couldn't hold up any longer. All the pretenses and facade just slipped off, leaving only atrace of fragility.
Do not like.
I'll pretend it didn't happen.

Didn't sleep again, because i'm afraid to. Those nightmares will get me, in their varied shapes and sizes, and dirty lil fangs. I'm feeling really tired now, with the chills and sneezles. I'm ill. But i cannot close my eyes.

Going out, just anywhere. Just somewhere to recollect my composure and pull myself together, myself. Becoming stronger everytime i fall.
I've done it so many times, this is yet another one of those attempts. I can do it.
I can.

:'(

2010-12-22T01:04:00.003+08:00

I want comfort food so bad. I'm gonna drown myself in so much gongcha till i puke tmr :'((
What's so joyful about xmas, whats the whole dang festivity for. Its just stupid jingle bells highlighting how lonely one can be.

/angsty/

And its over?

2010-12-22T00:17:00.003+08:00

Yeah, my year 2 sem 1 ended today. I don't know what to feel about it. I have no feelings of elation or whatsoever. I'm just, kind of lost. Daddy came to pick me up and settled some stuff at the SSC and collected Seb's YOG certificate on his behalf. I collected my matric card too. Had lunch out and went home. Thank God for daddy if not i wouldn't imagine how its like to lug everything back.

Sprawled on my bed and didn't realize how i fell asleep until i woke up. I didn't have an appetite cos i keep having bad dreams idek why. Depressed :( It didn't help that my family was in front of the tv catching shows like Breakout and then the VVDrama Gem of Life or something idec. BOTH ARE DAMN DEPRESSING CAN! Like people dying and everything has no humor and its all so dark and plot-ish x.x I thought the news would be better so i sat through the entire broadcast and there they show the terrible snowstorm in UK, miserable people stranded in various airports for days and this segment on how cold weather will lead to a higher likelihood of heart attack. SERIOUSLY?! And i'm super worried for Seb. A series of all these bad depressing stuff just killed my mood totally. I hate it that i am actually kind of paranoid, but i can't help it. I keep thinking like the public buses are gonna skid and collide, the trains will, too. And the aeroplane will get blown away by the massive storm OMG i think too much right? I know.
I just want him to return safely :'(

My paranoia is getting on my nerves, i will quit fretting right naooo.

I'm super lost even though i do have things to do. I'm just in this mighty terrible mood and i don't wish to affect anybody so i shut myself. I don't wanna talk to people whom i might potentially pass the sad bug to. I think this is rather insane but i feel like taking an impulsive drive down to Changi and have a warm cup of coffee, and read a book till i'm tired and go home. Then again i kind of want to run and swim early tomorrow morning as well. I finally brought my running shoes home :D So i can't decide which is better. Sigh.

I wish i could stop feeling so depressed. I need a breather. I think its this innate loneliness that is catching up with me yet again. I am wishing for a friend on xmas :'(

LAST PAPER :))

2010-12-21T09:44:00.005+08:00

I should not be blogging, instead, i should be studying. But i am already in a holiday mood :D

I just spent the last 15 minutes packing for home. I am excited to go home yayy ((:
The point of this is to pen my schedule so i try not to steer too far away, and of course, organize my thoughts cos i don't really know what to do.

Schedule for the week, hopefully to be followed
After paper today, i will go SAO and finally settle all the admin stuff like collecting Seb's YOG thingy, afterwhich i will replace my matric card and also pay for my transcript. UGH. Hate SAO. I will go shopping at night YAYY :D by myself, for fun. HAHA.

Tomorrow i will go for job interview at 330pm at Harbor front, and that spells gongcha :D
And i'll head back home to collect the car and drive down to hall for tumbling session? or not, idk i'll see how i feel cos i might wanna go for a run+swim instead. And then i'll go clubbing with hallies! I doubt i'll be dancing or drinking, cos i will be driving and looking forward to supper!

Thursday i will accompany Alicia to her new school (OMG IM JI EXCITED CAN? I THINK SHE GOT INTO CHIJTP! ahhhhh the bestest school on earth, ever!)! And i'll make arrangements to exercise and meet my friend at night to pass him something.

FRIDAY! Its xmas eve! Can't wait to meet up with the baichi family and we'll go orchard road spray bangalas hahhaha xD no, that's just DBC's itinerary. The rest of us will eat turkey and log cake!

Saturday is Xmas! I have no plans yet ((: I probably wanna spend this day with my family. Or see if Bimbo is free we could hang out or something. I plan to get her and xy a xmas pressie ((: Or whoever, or anything! Or maybe i start work already idk! :D Plan for my trip maybe, or something i am just so excited about the prospect of free time! Can exercise as much as i want wheeeheee~ ♥

Thats kinda the rough idea. But as we all know my plans are the most flexible :D Can't wait for the 31st! AHHH OUR BK TRIP FINALLY!

And i am lost (again, yes) wrt Seb's travel plans. Like cos of some delay he's going to London at 730am and reaching somewhere at dunnowhat time and then going where at dunno when -.-; Quite worried for him because he was gonna go meet his friend somewhere, like idk where again and idk who now. HAIZ. But then again why so exciting? I need a more exciting life, i should probably just pack up and go gaigai.

back in hall

2010-12-20T20:01:00.008+08:00

I have been away for too long, and its pretty good because i get to roll around in my bed moreee than ever! HEART! :D

But i am equally glad to be back in hall because i can see my fwens. Lulz. Okay, it isn't ridiculously noisy (just like how i dislike it to be) but still comfortably crowded. At least those remaining are those with papers ending on Thurs! I feel their pain, though mine ends tmr!

Had terrible gastrics and was forced to take a nap :p ok no, i think that was quite voluntary because i am lazypig90. It was great, i feel a lot more refreshed after that, except the gastrics got worse! I couldn't even sit straight. So i dragged myself out to the canteen to buy food and gui ling gao and pink yoghurt ♥ I feel happy already! So easily contented, gluttons are like that (y)

Seb received my pressie and he loveeeeeeeeeees it absolutely! Thank you for loving it, i was so afraid you wouldn't like it! Effort okayz~ I had to train then bus then walk to Queenswhatsitcalled and then figure my way back. I'm just SO terrible with Singapore directory even tho i lived her all my life :3 pfft!

Seb said i cannot share the pictures i took in my Santarina costume so this is it! I kop from VS (:

And SP and Pat both liked their share too, i think :D heeee! Next on, i got to deliver the family pressies! I bought for a few close friends and their families, can't wait to share the xmas loveeee~

I was so depressed awhile ago. I think its sleep and food. OMG BUTA-CHAN FTW! :DD
I should probably stop rejoicing over the fact that my exams end tomorrow, and like start studying for the paper. LOL sometimes i amuse myself too much for good. RAWR.

I am going to eat, skype the fwens, TRY TO STUDY, and then blog about a new realization. YAY. I hope i won't just stop at skyping.

-------edit-------
A lil ruffled by insecure possesive umm...whateveryoucancallthem. I just generally dislike people who don't trust my friends. Especially friends whom i care for, or think is worth my concern. I think i'm just protective like that.

like love, the world goes round

2010-12-20T01:30:00.002+08:00

My family is back! Daddy bought me a polo tee which i have been eyeing since a super long time ago but didn't buy cos it is super expensive. I'm so surprised he knows what i like :D i love my daddykins muackx!
My mummy and sister bought me tops too! And a super chio skirt ((: Thanks for shopping and splurging on my behalf when i cannot, cos of exams pfft.

I am really bad with surprises :3 I bought Seb the new Liverpool jersey and intended for it to be a surprise but i couldn't withold it for too long i just let the cat out of the bag meow~ I hope he will like it when he receives it later! Its with SP :D who must think i'm damn joke hahaha. I even wrote Seb a letter ♥ Its inside his xmas gift.

It's SP's birthday today, can't wait for him to see his card which i made :D Not very creative but i tried my best ^^v

I'm a joke. Seb bought me a xmas gift and i thought it was MY order that arrived :/ seriously! But it is SO SO freakin sweet cos he pays so much attention to lil details. It came in a UPS box with a VS gift box and its such a fuzzy feeling to receive a parcel when you're home alone! ITS THE FREAKING SANTARINA COSTUME OMGGGGGG!!!

Its kind of kinky but too bad i am too skinny for the size, its 34 but i'm 30-32. Girls should know what i am referring to :D So yeah, i kinda took a picture wearing it and packed it back in the box for refund. AND ALL ALONG I THOUGHT IT WAS MY OWN PURCHASE! I study until siao already. So i squealed and thanked him immediately! I spent 2 hours looking at the catalogue and picked out 4 exchange items wheeee including a bikini which i have always wanted! OMG SEB YOU RAWK ME SAWKZ I LUB LUB EUUU!

I like how he always surprises me in the coolest way ever ever, and always me unsuspecting! (: Yay to creative sweethearts.
Oh and he is really protective, in the cutest way ever too. I don't know what else to say~ *dreamy sigh*

BTW, he said year 2011 is the year of bravery. Okay, we both established that. We will overcome both our fears and insecurities. Thank you for reaffirming me pal ♥
With this assuring thought, i revisited the pictures and faced it with nonchalance. Because we know we can do better than that (: Anytime. So that's for the middle finger! For the IT who's out of my life. Thank God for better future.

和平的微笑

2010-12-19T07:53:00.002+08:00

I wonder if it ever crossed your mind, that my "productivity" at night is fabricated. Habits alter when you urge them to. 我就觉得自己很恐怖。恐怖到可以在你睡之前醒着，当你醒时，我也是醒着的。几乎完全没有想过为自己而生活，我的生命已完全被你摆布。连自己的情绪也为你左右。这样的我，很可笑吧？

Now that my life has turned around, i am just awesome at convincing myself that i am more productive at night. Maybe its cos i am most awake at night, most awake because its the only time i can talk to you properly. Perhaps that is the reason why my heart sank when you said that you missed me, but chose to sleep. Despite me waiting up, just so i could talk to you.

Good thing we are friends. At least then i have a valid reason to not feel disappointed. We're still good, brain, think that.

The reason why i dislike words, is probably because they don't mean a thing to me. I am not too sure how to react to contradicting statements. I'm not quite sure if its natural to expect you to miss me, and show me that you do. If your action shows otherwise, i won't be certain how much truth there is in those words. Or am i supposed to be unsuspecting and believe in your claims?

Once again, i am glad we are friends. Because friends do not expect much from each other. Friends can lie and be forgiven. Friends. We're friends.

being the happiest girl alive

2010-12-19T03:04:00.002+08:00

Today, a very special person just made my day!
This is for understanding me and approaching from my point of view, for our common benefit, minus the unpleasant disagreeing. Just like a fairytale or a childhood dream that this very special person is willing to fulfil, just because its so very significant to me. This makes this person, very very special in more ways than one ((:

Thank you, for being so awesome.
I knew i was right in believing ♥